RIPTIDE!

One day last week I had a day where one very particular interaction with someone dear left me feeling rather suddenly I was in a no-win situation, in some respects. Quickly, I plummeted internally with a variety of emotions from frustration to anger to a sense of loss, fear and futility…before long, every other task or situation before me (or inside of me or surrounding me) had the same feeling of being some type of confusing, exhausting no-win situation.

I eventually felt I was beginning to implode with the overwhelming ruminations, and then wanted to express somehow–to explode the imploding in a sensible, rational manner (and maybe send out a subtle “SOS” for some thoughts and prayers while not detailing anything)–and I found myself drawing this diagram and writing the following on social media:

“A quick diagram of how I feel today. Navigating what feels like too many no-win situations. I’m not saying they are actually, objectively no-win situations; I am just saying that today I feel under the weight of all of them as being such..”

I fully recognized that detailing it on social media to find relief was no more productive than telling my cats about the problem–and although I was attempting to internally turn my spirit upward to God and was prayerful, I found myself rapidly under many weights, fears and other very personal places of pain, concerns, powerlessness, feelings of rejection, feelings of being unfairly criticized (the “no-win” part, where the illogic and other discrepancies/factors of the other person’s part/contribution, etc. come trickling in for hours after the dialogue) and finding my sense of self-esteem/self-worth rapidly plummeting.

The remainder of the day was difficult and I had this sense that my sudden depressed feelings might be some type of spiritual assault–directly or indirectly related to the precipitating, triggering interaction. I went to bed fairly early, and as I was trying to doze off I found my mind thinking about what Jesus has been doing in this situation, with its hidden spiritual battles that I believe are being waged between the powers of darkness and the true Light (King Jesus).

I felt so very troubled in my spirit, and as I was praying with words and praying in the Spirit, various details of the dialogue not only from that afternoon but other sequences/snippets of previous dialogues going back months and years were swimming through my mind as I drifted off to sleep…

…and suddenly, I jolted awake and the word

“RIPTIDE”

was very strong in my consciousness.

__________

I personally believe and experience that the night hours seem to be times where my soul/spirit seems more open to receiving something very personal from God. Sometimes it is in the occasional spiritual dream that serves some purpose in my waking life. And sometimes it is a heightened ability to pour out my heart to God and pray more freely and to have deeper sensings about things, that come in these times of turmoil and restless awakening during the night watches.

“My eyes anticipate the night watches, So that I may meditate on Your word.” (Psalm 119:148) 

“When I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches.” (Psalm 63:6)

So when I jolted awake with the word RIPTIDE strong in my mind, I had a sudden understanding of that which I had been experiencing since the triggering conversation that mid-afternoon.

Thinking about or imagining being on a stormy spiritual sea is not foreign to me in times of trouble (and thinking about Jesus as Master of the waves) and I do think it may have been one of many things floating in my mind as I had been drifting off to sleep that night. However, the word RIPTIDE is really not a word I have thought about nor used–if at all–in probably a good fifteen years.

Why had the word RIPTIDE suddenly come into my mind, and literally as I had just jolted awake after starting to drift into sleep?

As I lay awake pondering what I thought I knew about riptides, it later became an opportunity to learn more about what a riptide actually is, and to have a new word (maybe given to me by Jesus) to label these times that happen. In other words, the next time this onslaught of similar feelings overtake me, perhaps I can at least tell myself, “Eileen, you are in a riptide…hold on there…”

During my first marriage, we spent quite a lot of time in Surf City, on Long Beach Island, NJ. My boys grew up along those shores and both learned to be strong swimmers, able to hold their own in the ocean. For sure, it was their father who acclimated them to the water and took them way out (in my view) into that surf. Because I can barely swim (if doggie-paddling and back-floating counts) and would hover pretty close to shore.

Though I love(d) the ocean and the water, I kept where it was personally safe and manageable. Sometimes, there were certain types of tides that produced very gentle waves with chest high water quite close to shore (instead of having to get past the hard-crashing close waves and be further from shore to enjoy the water’s depth; and I never felt that was safe for me to be more than about 10-20 feet from the shore’s sandy edge). I loved when this would happen, and would spend much time enjoying the easy waters.

Riptide was a word that my boys and their dad (or Grandpa, who lived on the Outer Banks) would use, along with undertoe. I don’t think I ever fully understood what a riptide actually was, other than knowing it was some type of dangerous current that would take you way out, involuntarily, and held with it a high risk of drowning, or requiring a lifeguard.

As for undertoe, there were times where the ocean seemed rougher and the waves would erode the sand from under my feet more powerfully than other times. I thought maybe that was what rough “undertoe” was.

As for riptide, I might have tried to explain it (wrongly) as being a very rough, breaking tide that might “rip and roll” you under the water and away from shore. While this isn’t too far adrift of what a riptide actually is, I think this word’s more accurate meaning got burned into my mind last week in the following way (with spiritual application):

I now understand there to be a difference between a rip current and a riptide, with the riptide being the most powerful of jet-like rip currents–capable of propelling a swimmer caught up in one very quickly out into deep waters, far off shore. (I hope I got this straight, using my own words here summarizing what I learned!) Undertow, Rip Current, and Riptide

I also did some reading to find out if riptides were only present in the ocean. They can be present in any large body of water with a current. I was pondering whether any of the stories of Jesus in storms/on boats might have been in water where there could have been rip currents/riptides. At any rate, I think many people just as me, sometimes experiences these swift emotional/spiritual riptides that can seem to change our day, thoughts, feelings and mood in an instant. In my readings, I also learned that riptides tend to form based on the ocean floor’s topography.

And isn’t our own personal, spiritual and relational topography sometimes the underlying basis for these riptiding experiences (or even, spiritual attacks/assaults of the enemy)? And I mean this statement inclusive not only of our personal weaknesses, failures and sins but our personal strengths and spiritual fortitude/character/kingdom impact as well.

Ahh…so much we don’t fully understand and we strain to navigate…