When God Speaks

There’s been some things on my mind tonight as I’ve been working outside and contemplating a situation. I had some worship music on and was in a meditative frame of mind, rolling some matters over and over in my mind as though turning them from various angles.

At one point, I had this deep sense of interpretation of part of a spiritual dream I had last Thursday night. Some dreams are simply dreams borne of my own psyche, while others I have experienced at times have such qualities that I consider them to be of God–with some specific spiritual purpose.

The bible is filled with accounts of dreams that serve some purpose–from the prophetic to warnings to encouragement to revelatory to directive dreams–one way that God speaks to His people is sometimes through dreams.

I shared this dream I had last Thursday night with several close, prayerful friends. And I had a general understanding of the situation the dream depicted. It had some pretty clear symbolism in it, and it also portrayed a situation that left me feeling powerless, fearful and even angry.

There was one element of the dream that seemed to hold some encouragement. But tonight, I had a strong sensing that I had misread the nature of the encouragement (meaning, there may have been a double meaning/purpose in this one particular element of the dream).

I’m being vague for several reasons–but mainly because this matter (this scenario so well represented in the dream) in which I have sensed the Holy Spirit’s “elaboration” to me tonight concerning the one particular element in the dream feels so very personal…so very empowering…and I am basking in the peaceful sensing/discerning of both the wisdom-directional nature of the dream and the excitement-awe of sensing I’m about to witness something quite remarkable. If in fact, these happenings are indeed of the Holy Spirit as well as any interpretation thereof.

That was quite a long lead-in to this next segment of my expression here tonight.

Awhile later, following this new insight derived in part from this spiritual dream, a scripture kept coming into my mind as I was meditating in some in-and-out combination of thoughts, prayers and listening to worship music. This scripture also relates to one of the most significant elements in the dream last Thursday night.

“…even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.”
Psalm 139:12

When I looked up the reference of the words in my mind, I was doubly comforted to see this comes from Psalm 139. That psalm is quite a significant one, and surely more than just that part relates to my dream image.

As the evening went on, working outside into the cool of the night, a certain song on my playlist came on. Sometimes, when a song resonates with me in some moment, I will put it on loop. I can literally listen to the same song–if it hits a sweet spot–for hours. The song was Your Love is Extravagant by Darrell Evans.

As I was listening to this and entering in to its depth of expression I was taken back in time and my memories to the end of July 2003. Those who know me well may recall at least some of what that time period held. A superficial summary is that I gave my first husband an ultimatum over a matter and stated what the consequence would be if this matter was not properly (and timely) brought to resolution.

When the matter indeed was not only not brought to reasonable resolution but additional negative interactions unfolded, I followed through on my statement: I separated from my husband.

While I had given much thought to this action for many, many months, when the situation happened it felt super-emotionally charged. I didn’t really have a plan, per se. I just knew I had to dive in to terrifying, unchartered territory. I clearly knew the rational, logical reasons on a number of levels–spiritually, emotionally and otherwise–but I remember I was so upset my own actions probably seemed irrational to others.

That night, I stood on the driveway at Webb Road, interacted with my husband, and got in the car and drove away.

I didn’t pack any clothes, nothing. I called a friend that was aware of the difficulties, and asked if I could come stay overnight. She said, “of course,” and I drove down to Townsend, Delaware. I did have my CD player with me (OK, maybe I had grabbed a toothbrush, I really don’t recall…but not much…I just needed to get somewhere and to sleep) because I had been listening quite a lot to two particular worship CD’s during that time period.

The one was Darrell Evans’ “Freedom” album, and the other was an old John Michael Talbott album called “The Early Years”. I clearly recall two of the main songs that I felt God was really speaking to me through, and I will share them below. The first relates to the immense closeness/intimacy I was experiencing with Jesus during that terrible time. And the second, relates to an aspect of the situation itself. It is hard for me to articulate how the second song relates, and I would not do so in this forum, anyway…but, it does relate.

God hates divorce.

And, God hates many other things, too.

I sensed at that time, I was to separate from my husband. My intentions at that time were to remain indefinitely separated, and not file for divorce. A few weeks after that first night away, I had rented a house and had moved my business stuff and other things out. My youngest son came to stay with me, and my oldest son chose to remain at Webb Road with his dad. It was an awful time.

A person I considered to have an amount of spiritual authority at that time in my life had asked me to “halt” my plan to separate and wanted me to try a different marriage counselor. I did not comply with this first part–I did move out and I had my own therapist at that time–but I did agree at a later time to attempt trying a different marital therapist.

Through a number of happenings and my continued internal thought process/seeking to understand what God wanted and what I should do, my first husband and I resumed living together that November. We sold the house we owned, we all lived in the rented house, and the following April 2004 we purchased a different home. By August of 2005, something was said to me, and I decided within several days that this marriage was over. I filed for divorce.

None of this was taken lightly. I believed that ultimately I would be a healthier person and mother and my sons would ultimately be healthier with this choice. As someone one told me about divorce: Divorce doesn’t FIX anything. You just exchange one kind of problem for another.

I believe this is true, and I also believe from my own particulars in now two divorces that the person who files for divorce chooses the situation that seems “most manageable.” Both times it was me who filed for divorce, but, that doesn’t mean that I “wanted” divorces…it meant I realized the other person through their behavior wanted a divorce; I was just the one to be in the position of making the legal “call”–the metaphorical “time of death” in a sense…).

As I think back tonight upon that time period in July 2003 through November, I wondered as I have sometimes done…was it God who seemed to be telling me to separate? And, if so, my softening and difficulty making a clean break (not backpedaling on the separation)…leading to getting back together and then eventually divorcing just over a year later…what was that? On one hand, it fully clarified any doubts I had about separating; it strengthened my conviction about what to do, and I felt I had given all the second chances I could give. On the other hand, I wonder how things would have played out on so many other fronts had I just held my ground.

I don’t know. It was my intention at that time to separate and fix my eyes solely on Jesus as my “husband” (biblical reference) and not to divorce or re-marry. I was unsure about some things. Now, nearly twenty years later, there is no doubt in my mind that the divorce of 2005 was warranted. And now, after yet another divorce I have resumed fixing my eyes solely on Jesus as my “husband.”

I don’t understand it all, but I know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.

Tonight, I thought about the fact that in my forty+ years of walking with Jesus I have planted seeds in others in hopes that they would come to faith in Him, but there is only one person I ever “led to the Lord” or trusted that He had used me to do so. Only one person. Come to think of it–that supposed happening was around April 1984. That’s forty years ago.

Forty is a significant, amazing symbol in the bible, too! All the more evidence in my spirit/mind to what I believe/sense God is doing in this continued sordid tale…I’m going to spiritually do what I should have done in that dream…I’m no lifeguard and I cannot swim but I’m not just going to stand there and watch…I’m “diving” in!