Repentance, Fifty Shades of Black and Fifty Shades of White

Repentance. It’s a loaded word, and one that seems particular in most ways to Judeo-Christian thought.

A word that from various sermons I’ve heard over the years means along the lines of making a 180 degree turn.

A word that is defined by the Oxford Dictionary in the following way:

re·pent·ance

noun

the action of repenting; sincere regret or remorse. “each person who turns to God in genuine repentance and faith will be saved”
Similar: remorse-contrition-contriteness-penitence-sorrow-sorrowfulness-regret-ruefulness-remorsefulness-pangs of conscience-prickings of conscience-shame-guilt—self-reproach—self-condemnation-compunction-conversion-rue-sorriness

Already I am feeling overwhelmed as I anticipate trying to organize this expression in the most understandable way to my readers.

Already I imagine myself trekking into the weeds and falling into rabbit holes…

So I will begin with a story, that at least in my own mind, feels somewhat connected…

The first Presidential election I voted in was 1984 and I cast my decision for Ronald Reagan. At the time, I was involved with the 21-year-old man that eventually became my first husband and father of my sons.

I can’t say that at that time I had any real interest in politics nor any real understanding of the deeper processes. I can’t even say with certainty whether my mother (or father had been) a Republican or Democrat. I vaguely recall my mother telling me that Republicans are for “big government or corporations” and Democrats are for the “common people.”

My mother had an extreme love for John F. Kennedy and I do recall in her later years she speaking of seemingly endless calls to then Senator Biden’s office in what I recall as her interest in helping him “fix Medicare.” Any reader who knows of my mother, needs to hear my confounded bemusings at what this even meant, what these calls involved, and more…including…I am guessing, surprisingly, my mother may have been a Democrat.

I don’t know. I do recall as she was in the throes of dementia in September 2001, my sitting at her bedside trying to inform her about 9/11 and a vague recollection of talk about how GW Bush was handling the situation.

But, back to my story from 1984. In my editing, I now added in those personal and murky rabbit holes of recollections regarding my parents, as well…

I can say that in my very young mind of 1984, I tied political decision-making and beliefs to my newfound commitment to Jesus the fall of 1981, therefore, I was in fact, merging politics with religion and I was in fact, being influenced by other Christians and various materials I read regarding how I should connect the two, in an active manner.

At that time, as currently, one of the most significant factors in guiding one’s voting conscience was the topic of abortion and abortion rights.

At that time, in 1984, the man I eventually married did hold quite a lot of political thoughts and opinions and at that time, was in ROTC.

At that time, during the summer of 1984, I took a two-month missions trip to Mexico City.

At that time, I recall attempting to converse around the table of mi familia Mexicana during al cenar (the conversational meal families share around 9 pm which involves sweet breads, coffee and family conversation about one’s day and thoughts before bedtime) about this man and our letter exchanges at that time, during that summer of 1984.

When I explained in my broken Spanish that he was at ROTC boot camp, I recall la mama and el papa saying along the lines, “Oh…he is in the United States Army,” with an amount of seriousness. I recall trying to clarify the ROTC program, and I recall the conversation drifting into concerns about the US Funded Contras of Nicaragua, at that time.

I recall trying to use my dictionary to express the phrase “body bags” (a term my future husband had used) and I recall either myself or them using the phrase “bolsa de plastica.” Actually, I believe it was one of the sisters, Maribel, that assisted in finding this translated term. As I write this and recall this cinder-block city home in Mexico City, picturing their table and table cloth/dishes and faces in my mind’s eye, I surprise myself with the clarity of this recollection, from that time.

At that time, as I recall things, this 21-year-old I was involved with had some pretty strong distaste for Reagan and the Nicaragua situation and had at least once spoken of potentially coming back from that place in a body bag one day, although he did not continue in the ROTC program after that summer. Over the years, the differences in political thought during that relationship were points of contention at times, but, not always.

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I’m not sure why that story seemed somewhat significant in my thoughts this morning.

I suppose just to say that all these years later, while many Christians hold Reagan in favorable light for certain reasons, the Iran-Contra scandal (or, affair) which eventually came into the light, along with things I’ve read linking it to the War on Drugs and introduction of crack cocaine into the United States, and more, has been worthy of my acknowledgement and evolution of political thought and observation, as it relates to my Christian faith, in this time.

In the political arena, while those who may essentially be repenting (what word should rightfully be used?) of some previous view and position on a matter are labeled as flip-floppers, I feel like I want to say a word or two on my own behalf regarding my own flip-flopping over the years but especially, a number of words about being in a place of post-labeling myself as flip-flopping and now in some form of consideration of the label of repentance and remorse.

Please, bear with me.

As I look back over my adult life regarding various views I’ve held, while it rightfully may appear in certain light to anyone listening to me that I’ve flip-flopped around, in my mind, I think there are some understandable and uniting threads.

And these would be:

A strong sense of right and wrong and interest in moral and ethical integrity that at times has been unclear what political thought best expresses my desires

A strong sense of caring about other people and wanting to do my part in what seems best advocacy that at times has been unclear what political thought best expresses my desires

A strong sense that my faith in Christ has been and always will be an ongoing life-changing experience and that as such, my spiritual views must always undergird to some degree all other matters that at times has been unclear what political thought best expresses my desires

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Around 2009, I found my political views not only changing quite starkly, but I also found myself for the first time in my life becoming increasingly outspoken about a number of issues. During this time period which I might say has now come to somewhat of a gradual closure within the past year or so beginning in early 2021 for various reasonings and observations. In my political outspokenness from around 2009 on into 2020… (which was merged to some degree with my Christian faith but during this time, from the seeming opposite end of the spectrum) I both lost some friends and family members on social media and gained others.

I think the social media and internet platform was so significant in my increased forms of expression in this area, and, for the first time in my life. This is a truth that for most of us, and, with all its downsides and pitfalls, it seems, at least in the foreseeable future, is here to stay with us all, to some degree of our choosing.

While I could delve into the weeds of the precipitating factor that turned my thinking in early 2009, I believe it is more worthy of speaking now about my current turning-of-the-tides and viewpoints, with a theme of wondering whether the word repent is now in order or is in some way needful, given my previous very public displays of opinion. (I do not know, but this is my attempt at formal, written repentance, for any matter needed).

What I do know is that my thinking continues to be changing and especially, in recent months, I keep feeling some need for this statement, of sorts. Some formal marker to say where I am…which…may yet be subject to changes going forward, into the unknowns we are all facing…

All the while giving generous space to myself (and others) when I use the strong and loaded word repent – in a way that I, in particular, feel no sense of shame per se because I know my own thoughts and motivations, and while, in retrospect I see where a number of these were misguided or based on false understandings of facts and other things, I can honestly say of myself, that my motivations were (as far as humanly possible), generally, pure. (As in, it seemed at the time to be the right way to think and flow, and there was no intention of harm nor seeking/concern to align with political powers for reasons other than my own values, ideals, optimisms and theological bents).

I, like many if not most of us, became sucked in and carried away with the rise of social media and Google. Still, I and we all must wade through the murky mire, unless we fully bury our heads in the sand.

Which remains, one valid option. I suppose.

I do pause to notice that it seems to me, that beginning somewhere during 2020 and especially, after Biden’s inauguration, I simply do not notice many of my social media friends being overly political any more. Perhaps, in chopping down my friends list from over 800 to less than 400 for various reasons, that serves as some explanation. However, it puzzles me, since five years ago it seemed there was no shortage of friends posting articles provoking outrage (from whatever vantage point) and embittered dialogues.

If I think back, it seems to me that the final wave of political expression was found in the social media images people put on their profile pics saying “I’m vaxxed” and “We can do this.” (paraphrases)

If I were to merge this observation with the rise of what I now see as government-based censorship and linguistic machinations over terms such as facts, science, “wokeness,” information and especially, “disinformation,“ with jaw-dropping wieldings of power manifesting through multiple entities that is, quite honestly, quite alarming and frightening…it would be fairly easy to connect some potentially very real (and very disturbing) dots as to why many social media platforms now seem quite cleansed of all the noise…

Oddly, it now seems, at least in my newsfeed (and I also have recognized the wisdom of refrain, for the most part, since it has devolved into such a frightening scenario of censorship, deception, vitriol and more…) that there is rarely anything but some occasional memes or other watered down expressions of political and/or humanitarian concerns.

While I’m not so sure this isn’t a bad thing (on social media), I equally wonder about the mechanism that has seemingly silenced some of the vitriol or, needful discussions.

How odd to me, since the very real and continued issues revolving around the pandemic (both its genesis and its handling and the ongoing impact and hidden truths and consequences to so many people worldwide) are now seemingly swept into “let’s just quietly move on, nothing to see here (yet, the very real situation remains quite the dark pandora’s box…)“; and moreover we are currently in undeclared proxy war with Russia being fought (at the moment) in the Ukraine; and I now find myself not only identifying but agreeing with other human, religious and political voices who raise my awareness of the likelihood that we are in fact, being forced or slowly directed into some totalitarian, dystopian and dark, dark scenarios.

And then, a subject very near to my heart and mind moves to the top of my list of concerns…the Lgbtqia+ agenda and activism.

It’s a minefield that is engulfing linguistics (in the sense of the corruption of language itself), education, vocation, medicine, psychology, politics, free speech and freedom of religion and every other conceivable field…a terrible and violent War we are all being conscripted into as props and foot soldiers of some dark empire, whether we want to be or not.

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With that in mind, I recognize that with every single vote I’ve ever cast for any politician, my vote has brought both an unknown amount of human deaths, human wrongs and human tragedies, as well as an unknown amount of human lives saved, and human situations on this planet being brought just a little bit of needful and rightful relief and justice.

In recent times I’ve read essays revolving around Christian pacifism and even whether and how a Christian should or should not engage politically. I’m a thinker and have always been such, and at this time in my life, nearly forty years after voting in my first election in 1984, I find myself giving more and more serious thought, for the first time ever, as to whether I should or will ever vote again. Mainly because I see how very broken the entire system has become, and I’m uncertain what will help.

It certainly is a subject that is in the weeds. I cannot nor will not make some statement of what I will or will never do, going forward. I think of wanting to make metaphor with art – of wanting to talk about the process of sketching versus drawing or pen-and-ink work…of wanting to talk about color theory and the properties of color such as hue/value/intensity(chroma) or…how the values scale in art works or translates into life…part of me wants to make statements regarding the idea of fifty shades of black, fifty shades of white and…and…ask questions such as, “what does that even mean?” Am not I speaking of hundreds of shades of grey???

Part of me wants to say that what I now think I’ve seen cannot be unseen.

A lot of me wants to say that I finally get some things, but then, part of me thinks that maybe I yet do not understand so very much.

I find myself struggling to articulate things here, which I revealed from the beginning of this piece I anticipated would be the case.

It’s a Sunday here, and like many Sundays, I take time to intentionally write. There’s something spiritual about this for me, something needful for and from my soul.

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Jesus told us that His kingdom is not of this world. As Christians, our citizenship is truly in the heavenly realms. Yet, our feet of clay are on this earth. As dark as this world is, I still believe it is quite a beautiful world; and that, while we sojourn here, there is such a liberal and generous space for us to think, feel, act and work alongside Shepherd-King Jesus for the shalom possible in this world, created through Jesus by Father God, with my understanding biblically that the reconciliation of all things are summed up in Christ.

I suppose I see the kingdom of God as every-increasing, beginning in the here-and-now. Yet, in recent times I’ve found my general life-long optimisms quite challenged, to say the least.

I’m not going to reference those scriptural ideas two paragraphs above; surely any spiritually-minded soul reading will have ears to hear and eyes to see, as Jesus spoke in some of His parables of truths hidden to some yet loud and clear to others.

The scriptural idea of continually seeking eternal truths and seeking to follow Jesus has been for me unwavering, hard as it may be in times and situations on the ground…

I find myself paying less daily attention to various news and commentators lately. Partly, I’m just too busy and overwhelmed with my own personal stuff right now. But, I do check in as I can (primarily through YouTube) and find myself listening to voices of those who five years ago I would have closed out of my consideration.

As the weather cools, I anticipate I will spend more nights in front of the TV, taking in a variety of things.

I find myself wanting to disengage in political discussions with many people, these days.

I find myself committed at this point to what my registered Pennsylvania voter card now says, for the first time ever – independent.

I find myself thinking that I want information. I want better information and commentary about things that really matter to myself, those I love most dearly, and others in my closest realm, and that of broadest humanity. And I, like many, am not sure how to best get it nor what to fully believe, at times. We all must still sort through so much murk. Yet, some things, bring quite a lot of clarity.

I find myself realizing that while I consider myself an interested student of history and a contemplator of the interconnected and unavoidable political processes, that first and foremost my allegiance is to Jesus.

While I believe this has always been true, it has become more solidified in recent times. There are inherent and mutually exclusive aspects to this allegiance.

And so, I am uncertain where this leaves me, per se. Like many Christians, we remain uncertain where and how to tread through this murky world. And I suppose, that is a better place than being confident of our footings…

It appears to me that my thinking on some things is becoming more inclined to observation, less inclined to traditional and direct political activism.

It is becoming more inclined to writing and speaking and highlighting things that really, truly matter, if even for a small number of those that might read or be affected, in some small way.

So for a moment, I will call this some type of repentance.

I will name it some type of confessional and formal acknowledgement that I have been wrong in a number of political things, previously, and I have voted in ways that have contributed to a lot of evil forces currently seeking the destruction of many humans made in God’s image, and, the further degradation of all that is good, right, holy, worthy and to be sought in this world, and in our families, communities, states, nations and beyond…

For all I know, I have cast the very last vote in my lifetime during November 2020.

For all I know, there might be one or two future candidates for some office I will decide to make the effort to vote for…to break out from this current disillusionment and repentance from at-times-clashing of allegiances…I just do not know. And if I am not certain nor persuaded otherwise, I want to pull back from vote casting. I want to live whatever life left is some other way.

Not in a silenced way, not at all. Not without opinion, nor information…just…in some other way of being…

I deeply regret my votes of November 2020.

However, there is no easy solve to the Rubik’s cube.

If I had it to do over again in hindsight, I think that I would not have voted in that particular election.

I have established a section on my blog for expressions that fall into the category of Religion/Politics/Current Events. I will continue adding things here, for information and consideration.

My ultimate primary purpose is for the spiritually-minded to wade through these very real issues and assaults to that which is sacred or otherwise of pragmatic importance – all that brings health and wholeness to individuals, communities and beyond.

As I understand it, my mother’s father, my grandfather John Curry Linger, was very active in politics. I know nothing about his views or activities, and of course it was a whole different time. As mentioned earlier, my mother had immense political interests and citizen-sideline involvements I recall, and I’m aware various other extended family members on that side, over the years, have delved into this arena in a number of ways.

I will say that I hate lies, deception, agendas, and coercive machinations.

I believe Aristotle said that “man is a political animal.” (I’m slightly proud of myself that I got this right…as soon as I typed it, I Googled, to be certain).

I acknowledge there is a lot of truth in that.

I don’t want to be a political animal any longer.

I don’t want to be some pawn in dark and top-down, elitist agendas.

How to walk through this, I must learn. We all, must learn. We all, who name Shepherd-King Jesus as above all, must ask this of ourselves.

I am first loyal to Jesus. Because, where else shall I go? As the disciples asked of Him along these lines, “Where else shall we go since you hold the words of life?” (I will not look up…I believe it is from the book of John).

I must also be loyal as a mother, and as a human being, to others.

The greatest commandment is to love God with all of our heart, mind and soul, and to love our neighbor as ourself.

Those inside and outside of the Church (and Judeo-Christian thought) have been debating how this should look for centuries. My own small views are just that, my views.

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I have particular aversion to being silenced.

And I think back to an incident in 7th grade which reveals, somewhat, my inner sense of ethics, justice, empathy and otherwise. It would expand this piece even more to write of this. Actually, I have likely told the story somewhere here, previously.

I want to keep the theme here of my expression to that of some form of repentant or remorseful thoughts…in regard to previous (and even, by inherent necessity, currently still flawed) political views…

I want to emphasize that personal situations have been used in my life to force me into the place I now stand. And for that, I find myself thanking God for some particularly wrongful interactions I found myself in which were used to open my eyes and clarify things. Prior to that, I was not sure what I was seeing. Like a true INFP on the Myers-Briggs scale and because the situation(s) held immense significance to me and someone I dearly love, I tried to reserve forms of black-and-white thinking.

Because honestly, like an artist navigating many shades of blacks and many shades of whites, I simply was not entirely positive what it was I was witnessing.

So. But now.

This has been a lengthy essay of sorts to lead in to what prompted me last night, with determination, to finally form this piece today.

As I was listening to various YouTube talks and commentaries (I share them below), I found myself contemplating the politically hypocritic aspect that while so many in our nation cannot get basic healthcare, and that many in our nation unnecessarily die of conditions such as breast cancer for a variety of reasons including being in financial situations that preclude early discovery or the very best clinical treatments, we are now witnessing dark, dark forces invading the sanctity of our healthcare system who seem to have a new mission of mutilation of children (with no monetary cost too great…and…we must also ask how this in-and-of-itself will ultimate impact the costs and accessibility of valid and traditional healthcare) and making sure that children have access, unequivocal rights and insurance coverages to these demonic procedures and that society and medical professionals with any reasoning and remaining ethics are coerced into submissive slavery to this agenda.

While so many in our communities remain in very traditional and historic forms of ill health and great need of decent medical care, now, powerful entities seem to have no limit on how much money (and legislation) should be thrown at intentional harm of human bodies and souls.

The Hippocratic Oath seems poised for essential and intentional dismantling and demise and parents whom are entrusted the most vulnerable among us (children and the sacredness of that relationship for both the religious and non-religious) are poised for felony charges of child abuse should they not comply with this current “demonic” movement.

And for this, we must ask, why?

There is big money behind the so-called “transgender” movement.

This huge hypocrisy and dark underbelly is unfolding before our very eyes.

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Lastly here, I wish that I could form at least three better-articulated expressions about breasts.

Perhaps one day, I will do that.

I’ve made a draft title concerning the agenda of Feminine De-Nurturement within our society, and the dark future this consequences of sociopathy and psychopathy this holds for us all.

I wish I could more easily connect this to what I’m currently seeing as a potentially darkly-driven form of population control filtering down to us from powerful elites, as well as spiritually-driven demonic silencing and the systemic dismantling and destruction of the most basic things God created for the shalom of this world.

The transgender movement is not only a targeted assault on women but an all-out assault on the deepest elements which permit human thriving, physical and psychological health and flourishing.

From my piece last year on the possibility that women in the US should be drafted, the pseudo-inclusive degradation of linguistics, ideas of equity, and considerations of the value and meaning of being a woman in our society is weighing heavily on me these days.

The idea that anyone, let alone a Jesus follower, would be OK with a woman (and especially a societal minor child) intentionally and carelessly severing the most obvious symbol of what it means to be a woman and to nurture (arguably breasts are the most powerful and historic symbol of human existence and survival), and the psychological and spiritual death this brings to individuals and society, is something I will continue to comment about.

Yes, I am speaking of breasts. If there was any unclarity in my remarks above…

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I want to be generous in my thinking and acknowledge that there are some, especially those of the household of faith, that are as I was one year…two years…three years…five years ago. They are experiencing very real conflicts in how to view things. Perhaps they are intimately connected to loved ones (as I was) that make them afraid. That make them afraid to look at things squarely and with freedom to not comply with the coercive voices that now abound at every turn…

I must say, I’m afraid.

I am quite frightened – terrified in fact, on some level – at what I now see. I am frightened for someone I dearly love, and frightened at the implications for me and for others involved.

Part of me is afraid to speak. If I should speak, what dark possibilities might come in assault to me and those I love?

And, if I don’t speak, what dark possibilities will continue to assault me and those I love?

As I wrap up here, I want to emphasize something. I think of one of my favorite quotes by TS Eliot:

“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea.
—T.S. Eliot, from “Little Gidding,” Four Quartets (Gardners Books; Main edition, April 30, 2001) Originally published 1943.”

If I link my title involving repentance to this idea expressed so poetically by TS Eliot, it necessitates equal emphasis to the biblical truth that there is always, always a way forward. From the beginning of humankind, God has always made a way back to where we started and should spiritually dwell, that encompasses all of our explorations, sins and wanderings and brings us into wholeness.

I think of the story of the lost son in scripture…always, always…God lays before us a pathway of hope.

He lays before us, in everyday moments both small and big, a way to come home.

The way home can seem fearful, the way back when we’ve been lost in dark places and dark forests can seem obscured. But I believe in the One True Creator God whom has revealed Himself to us as being love itself, expressed through Jesus. And that there is no fear in love, and that love casts out fear because fear has to do with punishment.

I do believe that it only takes even the most inarticulate heart’s cry, Jesus…help me back. Jesus, come near to me and help me…for God to hear us, find us and save us from every thing whatsoever we need saving and protection from.

And with that, my heart is heavy to share this (first below) heartbreaking video I listened to last night. It is heart-breaking as I listen to her story, look into her deeply pained eyes and hear the voice of this precious person…this child who fell victim to the predatory dark forces now at work. Predatory forces eager for the destruction of our most vulnerable…our children and young adults.

I ask those reading and watching to grieve with me, and with God, over this, and to seek the way forward…to find and help others find the way home. The way home starts first with the way back to God. Next, the way back into the community and families that love us so dearly and long for restoration of all that has been lost.

I think of the number of lives (and those they are connected with) being so very deeply impacted by something being sold to us as Light, when in reality it is deep Darkness.

God have mercy.

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For further consideration:

There is so very much quality of thought and data-based analysis in this talk. Please, make the time.