Souvenirs of Pain

I was up way too late last night, painfully engrossed in an unplanned activity which has now become number one on my list today to finish up.

Like someone who opens a junk drawer searching for a couple small items and then starts putting their hands in and sifting through it all…deciding suddenly that now is the time to organize that drawer and discard clutter. They keep their eyes pealed for the end goal of what they were originally searching for but in the process take a long, roundabout way to purge that mess.

Mess and messes. Some messes of junk are reminders of very deep, painful things and losses. For me, the deepest losses coming into focus far supersede that lost marriage in 2019. I am more than fine with that, given all things.

But I am not more than fine with the wake of devastation that this left in my life–the various ongoing treacherous waters I must daily swim, tread and navigate, hoping I might yet arrive at some truly safe shore where God’s Eden-Shalom reigns. My camera file folders from 2020 are certainly a pit of pain. The process of deleting out junk images and then sorting the rest is lengthy, and it is as painful as someone who touches a hot burner and can’t let go.

There was one particular text exchange that I had taken some photos of while reading it on my computer desktop, for some reason. With Verizon, I can access my texts that way and even save whole conversations as PDF’s.

Some of the photo images themselves of that time period triggered my recollections of many things and feelings/responses, but I found myself re-reading THAT exchange with such anger of thought. It certainly will be kept as some bizarre souvenir of pain–an exemplary example of the twisted, deluded reality and very real difficulties that led me to the place I am today.

I am glad that I deleted many photos last night that were of no real value, and emptied my computer trash, too. Gone. Forever. And I made significant headway in grouping the remainders, with a plan today to hopefully complete this purging.

While I am a strong believer that keeping amounts of reminders of where we’ve been has value in guiding us to where we want to go, in this case I feel a deep need to literally cleanse my computer and my home of things that represent such deep pollution of Eden.

I have been concurrently shredding various original documents relating to that time period, many of which were in a thick file handed me sometime between December 2019 and the time I left Alabama in January 2020. These were the massive hard copy collection of documents and such that I already had scanned and saved on my computer–most of them were electronic copies anyway but apparently, the got printed out. A nearly four-inch stack of stuff.

I am also shredding other such original documents from many years ago–things we used to save before the digital age. I cannot foresee any situation going forward where I would need these, nor my children would need to read all that. I envision a whole new couple of hall closet shelves where I can use and store/organize more needful items.

And the best, practical usage of this paper stuff at this juncture is in my cat litter box, to be honest. I sure hope I don’t burn out my paper shredder! With the cost of cat litter these days, I ponder (but do not know) what is the return on my labor/time taken to run this junk through and use it, before it ends up in a landfill?

There is an empowering, cathartic feeling I’m getting in all this that transcends the act itself, crossing into spiritual territory of breaking ungodly soul connections and ill wishes (curses) that may have inadvertently come my way, following me into the new day I now stand in.

My goal today is to condense these souvenirs of pain in the form of photographs and videos from my time in Delaware between January 2020 and August 2020 into some small, representative nugget. And in the process, my bigger goal is to string together a fun, upbeat YouTube video involving a lot of collage work/techniques that I did on various pieces during that time period in hopes to create something that will help market several larger works I want to sell. I’m hoping that engaging people visually with a music background will connect people more to the process and value of some of my recent works.

Speaking of music, as I start my day, for some reason the title of one of my favorite Everly Brother songs entered my mind. Haven’t listened to them in awhile, and it’s a good, calming, freeing song which, as I re-read the lyrics, are just so appropriate to my own deeper contemplations and yearnings…

I hope this song encourages others reading here today to find creative ways to Lay it Down. Not to deny or otherwise whitewash and block out one’s very real traumas from the past, but to process them in a way that lays groundwork for continued growth and healing, and forward movement. I don’t think I (or any of us) have yet perfected the trick to that–for me, it seems to involve many gyrations of all sorts of ups and downs. I still hope that one day the spinning top will lose momentum and I will find myself in a more Eden-like life that includes the redemption of so many deep hopes and dreams that have characterized the entirety of my life for these sixty years.

A few months ago a friend shared a quote she had read, “The cost of your new life will be your old life.”