I Trust Him, I Trust Him Not, I Trust Him…

For who hopes for that which he already sees?

I want to see my grandchildren, but it is not yet possible.

I want to visit my son, but it is not yet possible.

I want my sons to visit me, but it is not yet possible.

I want a variety of relationships deeply restored and built, but it is not yet possible.

I want to pay my bills, but it is not yet possible.

I want this awful poison ivy to be completely gone, but it is not yet possible.

I want to finish projects more quickly, but it is not yet possible.

I want to have a sense of rest and life stability, but it is not yet possible.

I might want to have a life partner again, but it is not yet possible.

I want to see things in the world made better, but it is not yet possible.

I want to see evil in this world crushed, but it is not yet possible.

For who continues acting and working as if these things are possible?

Late last night in the quiet place of prayer, I poured out my heart and once again, asked for quite a lot. Asking a lot means asking again and again and again for the same things, if maybe in different words.

And then I felt moved by the Holy Spirit, and as I was praying these things aloud, I said directly to God:

I trust You.

It was a powerful moment. (emphasize moment)

In that moment, I came as close as may be possible for me to confidently trust Jesus in all things.

And like Cinderella, I went to bed after midnight and awoke again in my filthy rags of fear and of deep weariness. Weighed down by a number of things including the worst poison ivy rash I can imagine, the temptation has plagued me all day long as I slowly do tasks–tasks that seem at times to have no end nor ultimate reward–while not seeing any direct or immediate answers to anything weighing me down.

Once again I’m in the wilderness called Monday, hoping for daily bread and daily strength and most of all, hope.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
    but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

(Proverbs 13:12)

And a sick heart can be both joyful and sorrowful–yes, there is yet joy within times of heartsickness and heartbrokenness.

A sick heart asks, “How much longer can I persevere, and what is going to happen in the entirety of all these inter-related pains and burdens?”

I think of the sentiments of this verse and apply it to my own struggles, though different: “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure…” (2 CORINTHIANS 1:8)

Various forms of manna came yesterday.

And various forms of manna came today.

But the sick heart says, “It isn’t enough.”

The sick heart says, “I’m afraid of tomorrow and the day after tomorrow…and the longings of my heart grow distantly remote…”

The sick heart says:

I don’t trust You.

But, we who are human know how this goes.

We press on, we press forward and we cry out.

And then, once again we say aloud:

I trust You.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.”

~ Proverbs 3:5-6