Over a year ago I was going through file folders disposing of a lot of old “paper clutter”–various records and items I used to physically save before I started scanning/digitizing/disposing of receipts and other potentially-needed information. I now have a folder named DIGITAL FILE CABINET on my hard-drive with numerous subfolders–hopefully named so that if I ever actually needed a remote item-scan, I could find it in a file search.
Among the many file folders were also syllabi/extra handouts from art classes taught, and various calligraphy-related references and ideas. One of these on a little notecard, caught my eye. Here is a photo of the card in my hand–as you see, the pencil is quite faded–as well as a scan where I increased the contrast.
It was a little sketch I had made of a possible calligraphy design that could be personalized. Over the years, I’ve designed a number of pieces as wedding/anniversary products that customers can personalize with the bride and groom’s names and wedding date, and most of these pieces are Christian-based, reflecting some part of God’s intention for lifelong marital covenant and deeply unifying, godly love, based on that which we read in scripture.
On the card I had quickly sketched two wedding bands, interlocked in an inseparable position, having the names and wedding date incorporated. (At least one, if not both of my marital rings, had been engraved with the name of my husband inside. Sadly, time and many things have faded my specific recollection of my first band, but I do believe it was also engraved and that is likely why I had this idea.) I also notated in the design idea a beautiful statement from Song of Songs 6:3 : “I am my beloved’s and he is mine.” And I had sketched this idea on a notecard sometime prior to my first divorce–likely during the 6-8 years preceding, wherein the marriage was slowly devolving–using my and my first husband’s names and wedding date.
I do recall having this calligraphy/art idea, though I cannot recall specifically when or why I got the idea or whatever else may have been going on behind closed doors at that very time. When the marriage came to its overt ending (often, marriages suffer a slow death over time and even continue when the essence–literally or otherwise–of faithful marital covenant has been broken by one or both in numerous ways resulting in dead/dying relationship) in 2005, I recall that in addition to all the emotional, spiritual and psychological turmoil I was already in, I felt additional shame that the “Cord of Three Strands lady” was filing for divorce.
Yes, over the years in my home-based business I had become most known for my personalized calligraphy “Cord of Three Strands” design. To this day, I have a spreadsheet keeping track of how many couples I have been commissioned to create this wedding/anniversary gift for, and the total (less any orders that somehow didn’t make it into my list) stands at 1,572 couples.
Around 2005, the total was likely around 500-700 couples, I am guessing.
Over the years, I’ve had many repeat clients that tell me this is their go-to wedding gift. Over the years, I’ve had a few people telling me that the couple they had gifted this to divorced. Over the years, I’ve had clients contact me after twenty years of marriage, for example, telling me how much this gift has meant to them and their spouse.
After I went through my divorce in 2005, and I re-married in 2012, I remember my second husband (whom I also divorced in 2019) wondered why (and thought it strange) that I wasn’t making one of these framed wedding plaques with his and my name together and wedding date. I had a hard time articulating why that felt different and uncomfortable at the time, though I did try.
I think my best articulation at that time seemed to be some hesitancy that was based in recognition that God intends marriage to be lifelong in the ideal, and though there are specific scriptural reasons (in addition to Jesus stating that Moses permitted divorce because of the “hardness of hearts”) given that are considered (and arguably, depending on a believer’s understandings/interpretations) biblical ground for divorce, that my understanding that we had each broken vows to another and were entering a second marriage, coupled with the fact that I can so easily/routinely produce these personalized calligraphy prints, made me feel that this sentiment was somewhat problematic to me, personally, in this second marital covenant.
I mean literally, in my template, I have an xxx and yyy as the template names for the man and woman. I just do a find/replace of “xxx” with “Jane” and “yyy” with “John” for example, put in the couple’s colors and wedding date and voila! I’ve created a new commemorative and deeply meaningful reminder that we need Christ’s presence in our marriage to fulfill (and follow through) with our good-faith intentions to stay with our partner until death do we part.
I just didn’t want to think of going into my second marriage as simply replacing my first marriage or person of my deep intentions to love and be with until my or their earthly death. In fact, we each wrote our own vows, and I had kept the bulk of my covenant-vows traditional but had inserted some other poetical/scripture-based statements therein. I began these second vows with, “…Today I find myself standing before you in this Garden of Life as the suitable helpmate God has made me to be for you in this time and in this place…”
I felt that spiritually I needed to imply that inherent in making a second biblical marital covenant, that I had not followed through with my first. That God’s purposes for marriage expressed in the beginning of Time were now being being spoken to a second person, who also had not followed through with their first marital covenant. This felt significant to me all around and I found a way to verbalize this before God and at the altar by saying, “in this place and time…” and speaking of the “Garden of Life…” (as in, life takes us or we go in ways we do not forsee, for many reasons…)
I imagine that most reading this have either been/are married or have also been divorced–and possibly more than one time. Since one of my themes here is follow-through, I think this would be a good place to insert traditional Christian marriage vows for contemplation. While there are variations in wording, most Christian traditions draw upon these basic vows and commitments in uniting a man and a woman as lifelong partners. Every time we hear these words is an opportunity to reflect (and depending on our marital status or-and-especially the marital condition) on that which we have either followed-through or have not followed-through upon. I don’t think anyone just wakes up one day and wishes for a divorce. Rather, the death of faithfulness (in all forms) in marriage comes by the proverbial thousand cuts…
“I, ___, take you, ___, to be my wife/husband, and I do promise and covenant, before God and these witnesses, to be your loving and faithful husband/wife in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.”
I think that like my first marriage, my second was also unequally yoked spiritually, just in a variant manner. In both marriages, I believe that I had a fairly good and deep understanding of what it meant to make a lifelong marital covenant (although like all brides, could not specifically foresee the future and I also, in my love and deep attachment, minimized/ignored the red flags). And neither covenant was legally broken by me without weighty turmoil. In both cases, I was the one who filed. In the first case, it was a mutual decision, but one of us had to be the legal initiator, and we decided between us that I would be that person. In the second situation, I initiated the divorce (after discussion and option-presenting and impasse) and public records will show that there was a counter-claim made, meaning in practical terms that the 30-day response to “I divorce you” (practical simplification of the legal filing) was essentially met with “NO, I divorce YOU.” (Also practical simplification of the legal filing.)
Each divorce held its own unique details, damage and consequences. Both situations hold lifelong impact for me spiritually, emotionally and psychologically. And of course this impact extends to all of the parties involved, as well (and especially) to all of the children involved.
Because, “GOD HATES DIVORCE.”
~ Malachi 2:16
God hates divorce, because it is not His intention for man and woman, nor for children and families, nor for society. Yet increasingly, from ancient to post-modern times, there are deep reasons that marital covenants are being broken, or that people are not even making Christian marital covenants these days.
It is beyond the scope of my expression here today to delve into all these things. I only want to express that I believe deeply in both the ideal and the call to lifelong marriage, and I have become disillusioned and fearful of there being no redemption left for me in this realm. The reasons are complicated, which should come as no surprise. Anyone who has experienced either marriage or divorce (or the two, as it takes being married to divorce, and…it takes two to divorce) knows of the heartaches and the retrospective, seemingly endless post-mortem analytics we engage ourselves in…why…why this…why that…shoulda, woulda, coulda…or…why did I marry this person? And the fears…oh the fears of all sorts…).
A Catholic-leaning friend told me that marriage is a sacrament and it is for our sanctification. While the idea of what constitutes a “sacrament” is for discussion, surely marriage does reveal, purify and sanctify (if we allow it to) many things in us and about us. And perhaps in the death of a marriage covenant, we may also find revelation, purification and sanctification of many sorts.
There are so many different views on marriage and the meaning thereof–ranging from the purely pragmatic to the purely poetic. I think most people begin with the poetic ideals, and I find comfort knowing that nothing exists in us or the world apart from it first existing in the mind of God.
So, God is the original romantic, in a sense. I was recently talking to a friend about this and she reminded me of a song that I hadn’t heard in awhile, but that has spoken to me in the past about God’s extravagant and intimate love for us.
Intimacy is what I believe all humans long for, and the quality of our intimacy (spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical) in marital covenants is what I believe makes or breaks them. To be intimate with another human being requires tremendous trust, vulnerability and ability to confess one’s sins, weaknesses and flaws with one another and to somehow give/receive the human, reparative and connective healing/sustenance that God designed to flow in our most intimate (and exclusive emotional, spiritual and physical) relationship.
I suppose this piece is about a number of things including but not limited to follow-through. It took me over twenty years, but I recently followed through with this artistic calligraphy idea I had sketched on that little card all those years ago…I saved it on my desk since last year because I thought it could be a beautiful piece. And it is a piece that I still believe in…even though like Moses, I will probably never enter that promised land…
The piece came to completion as I was teaching a calligraphy class recently, and thought that I could use parts of this flourished lettering/design in a class demonstration on advanced techniques. I was musing over what I could bring to demonstrate, and I caught sight of this old idea card among endless office piles of paper. Then, over the past several weeks I gradually finished it off, and of course have it scanned and can personalize it. In my “sample” I simply made up a couple’s name and wedding date.
I just felt this piece was worthy of some personal expression here on my blog, although when I send it out as a new product in my studio newsletter, I will not share my personal thoughts about its creation.
I think also these days of a beautiful writing I did for a client many years ago, and how in that I first discovered ee cummings through this piece. The customer emphasized to calligraph it exactly has they had it punctuated and capitalized; I later learned this is his trademark style. I subscribe to another poet/blogger who often also uses this all lower case style; and at times, I have written my own personal thoughts in the same manner/technique:
i don’t know what it is about this ee piece1 that draws me so
than its sheer soul image
realizing time likely past
that i may travel in this intimate beauty
the road before is so short-long,
that
it be fared-travel alone
__________
1https://poets.org/poem/somewhere-i-have-never-travelledgladly-beyond
Thank You For Reading
Please Feel Free To Express Your Thoughts Below
