Public Humiliation and Graceland

Today I find reason to think about several things that sometimes circulate in my mind from time to time as part of my overall situation. I don’t have much time as I take a break by my computer with my late lunch/early dinner…but while these thoughts are fresh in mind I will share.

One of my first pieces written here about my second divorce is called The Divorce Casket. I mention as it comes to mind the next few paragraphs of what I’m about to say “might have been” mentioned in part, in that piece, too…which is now going on about four years ago in writing expression.

My post-divorce recovery and thoughts continue to evolve, as my gradual healing and recovery continues to unfold.

Around the time of my second divorce I remember a high school friend that was a mutual friend between me and my second husband (we all went to the same high school) said something along these lines to me:

“It is hard because we all
(meaning our mutual high school friends) watched it unfold
with such seeming blessing and hope,
and then we all
watched it spiral downward and die.”
~ paraphrase ~

I remember talking with them about how it seemed like a fairy tale. Two middle-aged divorced people that knew each other from 1st through 12th grade and never dated find themselves reconnected through social media and eventually married. When that ended in a second divorce for each of us after eight years, it felt exponentially uglier and messier than my first divorce after a twenty-year marriage and two children together. And, there were many reasons for that.

As much as I shared publicly in the desperateness of the pre-during-and-post divorce situation, there are still things only some know about the situation that were selectively shared in private–for better or worse in some moment–for the sake of needing to be understood and transparent.

I continue to have many struggles and admittedly, I don’t keep them all to myself. I surely share many things transparently online in times of need or frustration that stronger people might just keep private. I suppose maybe I’m not that strong–strong woman that I am–that I can 100% bear it all alone or not reach out when I’m in some sort of need.

In an ideal world, we would only mention our needs/struggles to God, and keep silent. But I’m not convinced that is how God intends things to operate in this world. There is a time for everything–a time to silently discuss something with God, and a time to let our needs/struggles be known to others.

While FB rants can later feel embarrassing…the revealing of dire situations and needs (of many sorts) can be a humbling–even humiliating–experience.

Social media presents numerous “memes” about people reaching out when they “need help” as in suicide awareness, etc. I just pick this as an example, not to convey that I am in THAT kind of distress. My point is that social media seems to have its own sets of unspoken rules about what people should share. In that realm, I sometimes wonder why people can so easily copy/paste some meme to raise awareness about some thing, yet if a real person dared publicly share their struggles, it might not be received so well.

My sharing as in today has to do with my ongoing, chronic need to pay bills through the difficult and diligent works of my hands in a situation which seems to have no hope and no end, yet, I press forward! To connect this to the “meme” phenomenon…my sharing that I NEED to sell some art asap to pay specific bills might make some people uncomfortable.

Yet ironically, if I kept silent and eventually lost everything and ended up homeless/totally losing my art business started in 1989 and I announced, “I have lost my home and am closing down my business permanently in every regard” people might think that was acceptable. Indeed, they might say “Oh we wish we would have known it was this difficult.”

I would like readers to apply this principles to a number of situations they see around them. Sometimes a whole seemingly-impossible situation can be saved by the ongoing daily small helps that are possible for others to make. How can we be part of God’s workings if we do not know.

While God can speak to people, nudging them to take some action, we humans often aren’t flowing fully in those things. I think of a calligraphy piece I did years ago called “Everyday Kindness” which speaks of this idea than can be applied not only in a simple smile. A phone call, a text and in the case of those in financial need during hard times some seemingly small provision might just “pull someone back from an edge” of some sort.

As for Facebook responses to various “uncomfortable” posts, I think that it is good to think twice before saying something that is a form of indirect admonishment. Sometimes, a well-placed word to someone to focus on their blessings is more than called for! We all have seen patterns of people regularly expressing in ways that make us think they should do something — or so something different — about the ‘said problem’ or whatever. Maybe they do need a reminder to be both thankful and grateful (there is a distinct difference between these two things and both are needed in life).

On the other hand, we should be as careful in public responses to someone’s personal sharing of struggles as we should be in sharing our struggles, for we do not have full understanding/details of what is involved, nor the reasons thereof. Nor other important considerations. If a person consistently communicates they are doing everything (reasonable and within their power/capabilities/set of circumstances) to both persevere and work hard to change some situation…well…then we might need to be driving alongside someone in the journey toward Graceland…(metaphorically…will tie in to the song at the end!). And maybe even…we might need to help change a flat tire on that person metaphorical, broken-down vehicle along the road, too.

In other words, we might need to be some answer/partial answer to the prayers they keep silently praying. Suffering in silence is not always heroic or godly–stoicism can cover up other difficulties. Sometimes, but not always.

I think of Proverbs 3:27-38:

“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
    when it is in your power to act.
Do not say to your neighbor,
    “Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”—
    when you already have it with you.”

Here are a few examples of possible edges; maybe you can think of more:

a young couple needs some extra formula to get through three more days before the next paycheck
an elderly person needs just one phone call to know they are not forgotten
a person needs to pay an essential utility bill so they can keep earning money
a struggling newlywed couple needs just one older, mature couple to sit with them and listen/guide them past their first serious, damaging argument
a young child needs just one caring teacher to give them a little extra help to keep them from failing a subject

I well understand how I can feel when I become aware of/observe trials and tribulations of others that I cannot imagine–where whatever small thing I might offer seems like a drop in the bucket. My point is, sometimes that drop (those drops) can make or break a situation.

God is my refuge, God is my provider. Yet, this idea discussed on one of my posts today is a curious one…the idea regarding what should be private and what should be public. Social media usage these days surely complicates things.

All I can superficially comment is that we should consider–when we see sharing that makes us uncomfortable–is that maybe that person is facing battles we only know 1% about. That’s true for all of us. And surely, we each handle things differently. If we share, we risk critique. If we keep silence, we risk isolation and other things.

In scripture we are told two seemingly contradictory things in the same chapter of the New Testament:

Bear one another’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ. – Galatians 6:2

Each person should bear their own burdens. – Galatians 6:5

Where any of us fall in the continuum of any given day between these two things is surely all over the place.

For me, I have sometimes thought that my particular divorce and post-divorce ordeal can at times feel like some dance between presenting an online persona that I’m a “strong woman” and “I got this” (these are often what people want to see and read, it is less taxing than other communications…) and something that can feel like a form of public humiliation.

Some might say, “Well, if you don’t want to feel humiliated stop ‘bleeding’ over Facebook.”

There is a lot of truth in that, and I try to keep that in mind. But again, I am alone here with immense troubles on every side, and I am just not that strong to silently bear it all.

Sometimes, I try to move things to my blog here, as a small buffer. I know if I share a blog piece, it will limit which Facebook friends might care enough to click and read my thoughts more closely–and I fully understand some may want to but time is a constraint.

I could publicly say why yesterday–Mother’s Day–is probably the worst I’ve ever had so far. But, I won’t go into detail even here. So, I’ve been transparent, yet am privately bearing the details. I just didn’t think Mother’s Day could get any worse than last year as I recall things…yet…it somehow did.

That does not stop me from thinking Mother’s Day is one of the very best traditions, even though it can and does present new opportunities for a variety of painful things for some mothers, for a variety of reasons. I may give some space and later write some thoughts about my day on Sunday…possibly as a piece for Father’s Day. Yesterday, various difficult thoughts led me to conceive of a blog post called, “When, Why and How ‘Eves’ Suffer Doubly–Absorbing Both Their Own Specified ‘Curse’ and That Specified For ‘Adams.'” (Yeah, that may need a more succinct title, if the piece ever emerges written…)

In closing here I think of two other images–that of Jesus hanging naked on a cross in public humiliation for our sins, not His. And a line from one of my favorite Paul Simon songs called “Graceland” which poetically speaks to the loss and dysfunction that accompanies all divorce and by extension, invades the future interactions directly/indirectly, forever, seemingly, with children of divorce.

I will put the entire lyrics and video, highlighting the one line coming to my mind regarding a “kind” of public humiliation. (the image for this piece was based upon this lyric-line)

For me, it is a lyric-line no longer actively associated with the loss of my second husband, but with the loss of many other things both involving my family and my business that will continue far into my future…

I’ll always love this song for its originality and musical-lyrical communication–one of his best “imho!”

Graceland

The Mississippi Delta
Was shining like a national guitar
I am following the river
Down the highway
Through the cradle of the Civil War

I’m going to Graceland, Graceland
Memphis, Tennessee
I’m going to Graceland
Poor boys and pilgrims with families
And we are going to Graceland

My traveling companion is nine years old
He is the child of my first marriage
But I’ve reason to believe
We both will be received
In Graceland

She comes back to tell me she’s gone
As if I didn’t know that
As if I didn’t know my own bed
As if I’d never noticed
The way she brushed her hair from her forehead
And she said, “losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow”

I’m going to Graceland
Memphis, Tennessee
I’m going to Graceland
Poor boys and pilgrims with families
And we are going to Graceland

And my traveling companions
Are ghosts and empty sockets
I’m looking at ghosts and empties
But I’ve reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland

There is a girl in New York City
Who calls herself the human trampoline
And sometimes when I’m falling, flying
Or tumbling in turmoil I say
“Whoa, so this is what she means”
She means we’re bouncing into Graceland
And I see losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Well, everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody feels the wind blow

Ooh, ooh, ooh
In Graceland, in Graceland
I’m going to Graceland
For reasons I cannot explain
There’s some part of me wants to see
Graceland
And I may be obliged to defend
Every love, every ending
Or maybe there’s no obligations now
Maybe I’ve a reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland

Whoa, oh, oh
In Graceland, in Graceland, in Graceland
I’m going to Graceland

Songwriters: Paul Simon