“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Pretty much every morning for at least the past ten years I awake to a sense of fear and unease. In some of my writings here I have described and tackled articulating this phenomenon in various ways from various angles.
I think of the Cinderella story. Like clockwork, at midnight everything about her magical life is removed and she is stripped down to her base situation.
I’ve thought about this analogy previously as it relates to my own internal experiences that have a kind of 24-hour cycle. Only mine seem to run in reverse. By the end of my long days–often past the stroke of midnight–I go to be with a sense of satisfaction, even hopefulness (though sometimes, as sleep approaches and the night lengthens I may get a glimpse of the coming, morning dread or late night incoming fears…) rather than turning into a metaphorical pumpkin.
But upon waking, I seem to be gripped on some level (consciously or subconsciously) with looking into the face of my base situation with all of its aspects. As I slowly get my mind fired up for the new day, I begin to recognize initial emotional responses. Perhaps it’s kind of a preparation for personal battle, one might say.
It is a chronic condition of a type of existential awareness of a number of converging things concerning my life. But the good news is that for me, once I put my feet on the ground and get my coffee and begin to set my mind toward the day and engagement in its immediate tasks (and even a sense of wondrous welcoming of the surprises God might bring into my day), I begin to feel grounded in the here-and-now rather than the what if and the existential. The immediate sense of fear and other emotions and ruminations begins to fairly quickly dissipate and in a sense, perhaps I re-enter for the next 24 hours into another round-and-rhythm of a type of magical life, just like Cinderella.
I use the term “magical” in the best sense as in “beautiful, enchanting, spiritual, satisfying, purpose-driven”, rather than any connotations with any unbiblical mysticism.
But back to the chain of experiences this morning. As I came to and lay there relaxed, listening to the sounds of the outdoor world and experiencing the presence of my cats on my bed, my mind went in and out between thinking, praying and momentarily dozing and then arousing again to thinking and praying and preparing… and naming.
I thought about fear and then I thought about grief and loss (and a type of aloneness) not only in my own life but in (especially) the life of someone I know who recently had a sudden and tremendous literal loss. I prayed for her.
And then I resumed whatever internal process I was in, contemplating aspects of my own sense of loss and grief and fear and things not being what I had hoped nor imagined. And I prayed. And I found myself counting numbers of years...
I thought about something from 2005 and found myself counting that it has been almost 20 years since then. And in my mind, I re-counted that I had been married the first time for 20 years. And I thought about all that has unfolded since then. And then, I sort of counted into my future wondering what the next 20 years might hold...
And then I prayed and I dozed off just a little bit longer. When I awakened, I attempted to reign in my mind with the Modeh Ani Prayer as best as I can formulate it without exact memorization.
“I thank you living and enduring King that you have restored my soul. Great is your faithfulness.”
I lay there relaxed-but-ruminating-and-praying for strength and for a number of things to connect me to God and to invite Jesus to be with me in every way today.
After about fifteen minutes, I put my feet on the floor and began my morning routine which involves going to my coffee maker. As my coffee was ready, I put some oatmeal scotchy cookies I had made into a little bowl, and I felt pleasure and…a faint sense of joy.
I thought about all the simple, basic pleasures God has allowed us in this life and for the miracle that we exist and that we think–and that we move through this material world as both physical and spiritual beings.
And then I continued in my routine, thinking about the day to come and what to focus on. I began to look through email communications and Facebook notifications.
I know that my plight is the plight of us all, to some degree. Perhaps some don’t pause to think about the inherent condition and fragility of their own existence, life, and the world. But I know that many of us do, and we process and proceed through life in various ways.
I kind of feel sorry for the person who is so distanced from the reality of sadness and suffering that they also may not recognize Joy.
Joy distinguishes itself from happiness or freedom from fear, grief and loss in a number of ways.
I’m no expert at defining Joy, but in my mind it is linked to perseverance, trust, faith, hope, diligence, acceptance (not in any particular order)–with purpose to make a difference, and much more.
Joy comes in moments—and some joys even come in moments of deep sadness, amidst fears and many other things. Because Joy does not make sense in the way we might want to name or perceive it. Oh, and I should have mentioned Lack. An aspect of my morning dread involves lack–lack of resources, lack of time, lack of that which I wish for on various personal fronts–Lack.
One of the best quotations about Joy that I’ve read was written by CS Lewis in a book called A Grief Observed. When I read this book around 2005 or so, this part leapt out to me and I’ve recorded it down and referenced it from time to time. Back then, I hand wrote it and put it in a little frame with a dried flower which I still have around somewhere…
“One never meets just Cancer, or War, or Unhappiness (or Happiness). One only meets each hour or moment that comes. All manner of ups and downs. Many bad spots in our best times, many good ones in our worst. One never gets the total impact of what we call ‘the thing itself’. But we call it wrongly. The thing itself is simply all these ups and downs: the rest is a name or an idea.”
― C. S. Lewis
I will also share two scripture passages below that seem to relate to how we should navigate daily through these difficult life terrains…
Romans 8: 22-28
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose.
Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
Thank You For Reading
Please Feel Free To Express Your Thoughts Below
