Fatherhood is not simply a biological condition but it is a spiritual condition inherent since the beginning of time, with numerous applications and overlap, and especially, implications and consequences.
This will not be a typical Father’s Day post per se.
And let me start here by untangling the title just a bit. Another way to say this would be, “A good father loves his children more than he hates his mother. A good father loves his children more than he hates his wife/partner. A good father confronts his own percentage of existing hatred/contempt for females in his life, beginning with unresolved ‘mommy issues.'”
I almost titled this piece “Failed Fathering: When Eve Receives a Double-Dose of the ‘Curse'” but I later decided the above title was most provocative.4
The premise of this piece may seem off base or counterintuitive, but please hear me out:
To discuss fatherhood, we must always begin with a discussion of mothers.
So to begin, “man in not independent of woman, nor woman of man.“1
Think of one of worst fatherhood scenarios: A woman is raped by one of the foreign soldiers invading her homeland. He has his way with her and then leaves, never to be seen again and without external identification. This man has changed the world in a very real sense, regardless of the outcome of his offspring. Whether the woman aborts or gives birth, whether the child lives or dies, whether the child grows up to be an exemplary force of good in this world or to perpetrate mass evils, with each human life the world is never the same. In this scenario, the role of contempt may be more evident that the role of contempt in the typical nuclear family. The soldier may have had contempt for the woman of his “enemy” and the woman have contempt for the man-soldier of her “enemy.” The child may grow up with contempt for his absent, un-named father. Their community may hold contempt for this child whose identity is linked to some outsider. Sooner or later, analogies and “what if” scenarios can begin to break down in detail, having surpassed their useful purpose.
The purpose of that scenario was to bridge a discussion about contempt, (and its inherent connection to discipline and respect), as it relates to fatherhood.
I once read that contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce, and I would agree. But, where does this contempt evolve from? Does this condition of contempt (flowing from either one direction or both ways) have an identifiable genesis?
To attempt an answer to this question, let’s turn to the actual book of Genesis.
Genesis 3: 8-20
Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God
as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day,
and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.
But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”
He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
And he said, “Who told you that you were naked?
Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”
The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”
Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”
The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
So the Lord God said to the serpent,
“Because you have done this,
“Cursed are you above all livestock
and all wild animals!
You will crawl on your belly
and you will eat dust
all the days of your life.
And I will put enmity
between you and the woman,
and between your offspring and hers;
he will crush your head,
and you will strike his heel.”
To the woman he said,
“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.”
To Adam he said,
“Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree
about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’
“Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat food from it
all the days of your life.
It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return.”
Adam named his wife Eve,
because she would become the mother of all the living.
There is just so much there to “unpack,” as they say. I want to be very careful here. I’m aware that I am untrained in deeper exegesis of this passage but I think any of us who are familiar with it at all have learned the most basic things to be exegeted from this: Humankind, the serpent and creation itself came under a curse and is under the power of sin and death. In Jesus Christ–God Himself ultimately plans and acts to fully and finally cover us and our sin through the shedding of His own blood, freeing us from the power of the curse. As in the first “Adam” all die, in the second “Adam” (Jesus, the Messiah) all shall be redeemed and live. (I Corinthians 15:22: “For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.”)
Now that this most basic understanding of things is out there, I am going to read between the lines so-to-speak both from my own experiences and various observations of family/relational dynamics (not just in my own realm but in a host of others), as well as refer to other scriptures penned in subsequent times.
Let’s talk about enmity, first. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines this word as “a deep-seated ill will.” While in Genesis, enmity is mentioned that ultimately alludes to the hostility that will exist between Satan and Jesus (easy summary), I don’t think it is a far leap to consider “enmity” as a basic manifestation of our sin nature and unfolding in every human relationship.
I’m a bit surprised that among immediate synonyms for “enmity” we don’t find the word “contempt.” But that does not mean the two words are not easily and obviously inter-connected.
contempt
– Merriam-Webster
noun
kən-ˈtem(p)t
Definition of contempt
as in disdain
open dislike for someone or something considered unworthy of one’s concern or respectmy undying contempt for people who abuse animals
Let’s next look at this scripture:
“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
– Ephesians 5:28-33
He who loves his wife loves himself.
After all, no one ever hated their own body,
but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—
for we are members of his body.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
and the two will become one flesh.”
This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself,
and the wife must respect her husband.
OK, I get it. If we are going to talk about contempt and disrespect between a man and a woman, it can become as murky and inter-connected as the genesis of relational dialogue between man, woman and God Himself is seen to be in Genesis 3. It becomes some kind of circular blame-game.
But I want to focus on two aspects:
- God made the “buck stop” with Adam.
- Part of God’s curse upon Eve involved sinful Adam now ruling over her (sinful Eve), and her incapacity to do anything but yearn and gravitate toward his “rule” (your desire shall be for your husband) regardless of whether her husband’s ruling is a sinful, iron-fisted, abusive rule, or an abdication and lazy, uninvolved, irresponsible disregard of loving, healthy and protective rule.
So what does all this mean in the twenty-first century? There could be endless conversational space to discuss issues of patriarchy, matriarchy, marriage, divorce, parenting, society, personalities, sins and “weaknesses,” genetic/biological factors affecting humans, psychology, sociology, religious and faith traditions and so much more.
It’s just a lot to spiritually digest.
And so I return to my opening statement/premise here:
Fatherhood is not simply a biological condition
but it is a spiritual condition inherent since the beginning of time,
with numerous applications and overlap,
and especially, implications and consequences.
This will not be a typical Father’s Day post per se.
So why must a conversation about fatherhood and fathering begin with mothers, rather than fathers?
Because everyone has a mother.
(OK, we all have fathers, too, but typically in all cultures and even among non-human creatures, the “mother” is often the primary caretaker and initial authority figure to both males and females.)
While we can and should take a close relational look at mothers and daughters (as well as fathers and daughters), in this piece my focus will be upon fathers and sons with a view toward what I will call the “mother sandwich.”
Ha. I just made that term up.
And with that, my title has now evolved into its final, provocative form.
Can it get any better than “The Mother Sandwich: When a Father Loves His Children More Than He Hates His Mother and Their Mother?”
And with this conceptual move, I have just opened up every Pandora’s box from Old Testament stories to Roman/Greek mythologies to the both true/false ideas of Sigmund Freud to understandings of Proverbs about wisdom, authority, discipline, respect to feminist ideologies to legal penal codes and the idea of sirnames to…ummm….ha…the theory of everything??
I (we) could just go down so many rabbit holes here. So I’m going to attempt to reign it all in and keep driving home my point about contempt.
Here are three inarguable truths:
- If a woman wants to know how a potential male partner will treat her, she needs to closely examine his relationship with his mother.
- If a man holds contempt for his own mother, sooner or later that will manifest in his relationship with his partner/wife/mother of his children.
- If a man refuses/cannot undo his own, learned contempt toward his mother (OK, I know that this can be a more involved rabbit-hole discussion concerning whether there is a legitimate basis for such rejection of maternal authority, love, respect, etc) he will teach/convey this to any sons directly or indirectly/tacitly in his own modeled relational behavior with his partner/wife/mother of his children, in particular, and as time goes on these seeds planted early in the lives of their/his/her sons will come to full maturity. And through this natural progression, she (“Eve”) will experience double heartbreak, disrespect and in some cases even forms of abuse by grown sons (or young sons she is attempting to do her part in raising/teaching). In essence, if “Adam” continues in his own parental sin, “Eve” will now get a double-whammy dose of said curses.
I hope I have not yet lost anyone here…stay with me on this one, please.
A woman’s natural desire is for her husband. We see this baked into the creation itself and the human condition. We see women who still hope and cling to ungodly, dysfunctional, (even abusive) husbands because they cannot do otherwise. To be fair, prior to the “curse” the essential order of creation was for man and woman to be united as one and to be fruitful and multiply. This essential order/purpose is now marred by the consequences of sin and fallen humankind. So the idea of essential, even unconditional cleaving of the woman to the man existed before the curse.2
A woman’s natural desire, especially as she ages, is also, still in some sense, for her sons, too. Woman and man as partners are both “one” and “separate” beings. And while a nursing male son and his mother share a “kind of oneness” and inter-dependent relational bond, as the male son weans there is/should be a differentiation/distinction between the two (the mother and the son) as individual entities with their own thoughts, desires, needs and personhood. We can see throughout scripture so many glimpses of how a healthy relational and mature situation between mothers and grown sons should look like (as well as some unhealthy examples especially in some of the fascinating stories found in the Old Testament).
When a father holds either essential or otherwise unfolding contempt for the mother of his sons, she suffers first in this, and secondly in the aftermath of what this father has taught his sons about how to their mother. Just like Eve will continue in her desire for Adam (even if Adam does nothing to mitigate his sinful behaviors toward her), in the same way, Eve will continue in her desire for her sons. While “Eve” also has relational dynamics with any “daughters” I believe there to be a very specific, different relational dynamic with her grown sons.
For a moment, let’s look at the behavior of the perfect Son of God (Jesus) toward his mother as described from upon the Cross:
Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister,
– John 19:25-27
Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene.
When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby,
he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,” and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.”
From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.
There is so much in those above texts to consider/”unpack” (as they say.) I wish I could delve more deeply here into why a son grows up to be mother-hating (woman-hating, misogynistic) and perpetuates/propagates that contempt–either from the beginning or eventually–into his sandwiched relationships.
But it is just so much.
And so now, I simply want to return once again to the issue of contempt as it relates to fatherhood, rather than complicate it by delving too far into its spiritual-psychological-sociological genesis. I ask readers to consider the following passage as it might relate to the first-and-foremost conception of fatherhood. Consider what this tells us about the relationship of both sons/daughters to the discipline of God the Father, as well as the statements made/implied concerning the father that does not properly discipline his own children (and especially, his sons) and what that really says about his love and care for them.
This is really important stuff.
God Disciplines His Children
– Hebrews 12: 4-13
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement
that addresses you as a father addresses his son?
It says,
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children.
For what children are not disciplined by their father?
If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate,
not true sons and daughters at all.
Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it.
How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live!
They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best;
but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.
Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace
for those who have been trained by it.
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.
“Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
Proverbs tells us, too, that if a man is wise, they will not despise discipline, nor the vehicles God uses to bring about this needed action (both father and mother). In other words, just as there should be no place for contempt within marriage, there should be no place for contempt within the family dynamics between husband/wife and communication of parental authority. Father and mother should, ideally, present a united front when it comes to these matters.
But of course, when the rubber hits the road and because of sin, this is not how it often plays out…and when there is divorce (or was never a marriage covenant to begin with) or when step-parents or even other pseudo-relational parental figures/community elders/mentors, etc. enter into (or worse, “usurp” and otherwise wrongfully insert themselves3 into the sacred space of fathers-sons and mothers-sons, it indeed can be like tares that some enemy has sown–a very breeding ground of continued cycles of contempt.
While it is truly wonderful for fathers and sons to bond through playful interactions, fun, attention, physical affection and emotional intimacy, physical care and unconditional acceptance/love, ultimately it is not the primary purpose for a father to create some “safe space” for his sons, especially.
The measure of a father’s success, in my opinion, is not how “safe” and “unconditionally” their behaviors are accepted by their father (including a father’s non-addressing of wrongful behaviors toward their mother), but rather, the measure of a father’s success, in my (biased) opinion, is ultimately how they treat their mother.
When a grown son tells his mother that he feels “bad” around her but not “bad” around his father because his father has “no expectations” for him and just “lets him ‘be'” we know that things are really, really broken.
When a son, for example, says to his mother on multiple occasions “you are ridiculous,” we can rightly conclude that this son has indeed learned a baseline, essential lens of deep disrespect (contempt) toward his mother, and likely (unless this mother is “objectively ridiculous”) I am going to go out on a limb and say the boy learned it from his father. The apple indeed doesn’t fall far from the tree, as the proverb goes…
This is like the child who loves enormous amounts of candy and feels so terrible when forced to eat meat. Why (or why does “mother”) not just “understand” them and give them candy–and on their terms? Why does mean old mother not make full-grown “baby” feel “safe” and “separate?” (“Separate” here meaning undisciplined–there now exists no higher set of standards a grown son should answer to…no inherent obligation that respect for either parent is not first-and-foremost something “earned” but an essential condition in God’s creational order and referred to in The Ten Commandments.)
“Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—
– Ephesians 6:2-4
“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
I won’t mince words here, this is a situation where contempt now rules and there are all kinds of relational evils.
In conclusion, I am going to share a few more scripture passages for contemplation. And it is my wish and hope that all fathers will take something worthwhile away from these thoughts here…it is never too late to step up to the plate. But the longer a father persists in not living up to his spiritual call and duty, the more damage is done.
There’s an old saying I was once told (and I think it came from a Meineke or other car repair commercial) which went: You can fix it now, or when it is really, really broken…
Proverbs 1:8-9:
“Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction
and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
They are a garland to grace your head
and a chain to adorn your neck.”
Proverbs 29:15:
“A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.”
Proverbs 23:22-25:
“Listen to your father, who gave you life,
and do not despise your mother when she is old.
Buy the truth and do not sell it—
wisdom, instruction and insight as well.
The father of a righteous child has great joy;
a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him.
May your father and mother rejoice;
may she who gave you birth be joyful!”
__________
1“Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman; for as woman was made from man, so man is now born of woman. And all things are from God.” – I Corinthians 11:11-12
2“And the man said: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for out of man she was taken.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.…” – Genesis 2:23-25
3The wrongful insertion/usurping of parental roles and the rightful respect/deference/primacy due is not limited to some so-called community elder/“father figure” stepping in and muddying the nuclear family boundaries, but can occur also when community elder/“mother figures” do the same. And if these leaders in some community are actually a pair, then, be on extra guard. In today’s Church as well as in our educational system, there are many so-called leaders/teachers/elders who actually undermine (rather than provide alongside, healthy support) the God-given role/place of one’s parents.
4I had yet another title started in a WordPress draft on 5/31/24: How a Husbands Should Care For His Wife; How a Father Should Raise His Sons; How Sons Should Care For Their Mother
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