Trauma Talkin’ Part IV: The Metamorphosis – Eileen Becomes a Woman

To fully appreciate this most recently created audio-visual presentation, I suggest familiarizing with what I shared in this previous entry TRAUMA TALKIN’ PART II: SORRY YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER since it might answer some of the common questions of who, what, where, when, how and why I have these very peculiar tape recordings made by my mother during the mid-70’s, and how I am attempting to use them in a creative, processing-ly (ongoing) healing and expressive way.

I also want to say, that as I consider how to best tell the fullness of my life story, I struggle with which tapes or things to include and which to omit. I have decided in this one to assemble a singular audio-visual narrative using separate audios and while part of me has discomfort in utilizing these strange recordings of people known to me and others within this artistic expression – on the other hand I do not believe there is a single one where the person interacted wrongly with my mother.

All those who interacted with her were patient, gracious and in no way does this put anyone else (other than my mother) in a bad light nor reveal any statement one would consider confidential. I have listened carefully, and unless someone tells me there is an issue, I am going to assume those involved are and would be supportive of my efforts (and the inherent intertwining of these) to tell my life story.

These first-hand tapes truly seem to be the ultimate tool for me to allow readers and listeners to fully grasp the particular life situation that formed me, and to know and understand me, perhaps, just a bit better. I would invite readers/listeners to also consider the particular life situation that formed them, also, in some meaningful way that helps further growth in this journey…

Holistically and artistically, I am interested in ideas of assembly and continuity. Meaning, non-severance of difficult and separate parts of one’s life story but rather, ongoing continuation into wholeness, facing head-on and also processing and being able to articulate and share with others, not only for their good and healing, but for some great good and benefit.

I think everyone has something to share and to teach us. The idea of re-assembly of various parts of things into some new whole, also intrigues me. I do this within some of my art, and within many other internal and external life realms.

For this particular piece, these recordings seemed for the most part to be made around February/March 1975. While these were negative, I do not see it as negative to recount them to myself and others. Rather, in my life, overall it has led to a positive outcome for me. Denial, minimization and conciliatory stances (in the face of serious forms of abusiveness) do not always serve us well.

I am learning to better self-affirm.

To say, without shame or discomfort, I am an amazing woman. And if someone treats me otherwise, then I do not have to agree with such treatment.

And I am stunning – in my own, unique way.

I am happy with who I amtodayand I love my life (and in general, I think I always have been), and whom I continue to become. I owe so much to my father’s presence in a truly hellish situation that seemed to have no hope and no end, as well as the numerous friends, neighbors, teachers and others in my community (my village) that took interest in me and my plight.

I believe in listening to these recordings, that is quite evident.

I chose the painted “Hippie Girl Lamp” as photographic imagery that seemed fitting, at least in my mind, and probably to those who most intimately know me.

I would love to assemble my stories into a collection called “If Only My Mother Had Taken Me to Woodstock – Then I Would Be NORMAL!”

I have always gravitated toward hippie-ish things, though I’m somewhat of a complicated hippie-wanna-be. I’m not quite of that generation.

…..she is lovely….dignified….pure….kind….simple, but complicated…generously offering colored eggs (ha ha…I made those with glue and sawdust Easter Sunday 2020, alone during the pandemic, and in 2021, painted them with my son and a friend as they dyed Eggs that Easter Sunday! These images are in the filmstrip).

The Egg-Bearing Hippie Girl is natural…she is creative, artistic, unusual…unique…and with some type of story to tell…