Violences come in all forms. There are violences much deeper than those that inflict physical wounding.
These word violences and other forms of human and demonic assaults, as I now see it, that exist in the spiritual realm, are quite piercing. The unseen battles, as I see them, are quite real.
Pilate asked Jesus, “What is truth?”
We all have our own truth, in some ways, and then there is…the truth.
From where I stand, this one single picture represents my truth as I see it, concerning so much that is currently bringing me deep and piercing pains. I’ve been asked at one point to “sit with my pain” and “absorb” it…though I have fully done that, and beyond…with no means of saying the metaphorical “uncle, uncle…I say uncle…please please STOP, this is more than I can bear…though through Jesus, and other faithful friends and family, I do keep bearing and bearing the ugly fruits of so much…”
The photo above. It is Easter Sunday, 1997, and I am photographed (we switched photographing one another that morning before church) with my sons. This was a very difficult time in the life of my family. There were many ups and downs and difficulties, as anyone knows and recognizes in any divorce situation. I speak nothing secret, nor anything specific, just the acknowledgement of the non-Shalom that leads to divorce and follows divorce for the rest of the lives of those impacted by this non-Shalomic choice, or trading of one set of problems (that seem more manageable, in some way) for another set of problems.
“One never meets just Cancer, or War,
or Unhappiness (or Happiness).
One only meets each hour or moment that comes.
All manner of ups and downs. Many bad spots in our best times, many good ones in our worst.
One never gets the total impact of what we call ‘the thing itself’.
But we call it wrongly.
The thing itself is simply all these ups and downs:
the rest is a name or an idea.”
― C. S. Lewis
When I look at this photo of myself in retrospect, I see a young mom, doing her imperfectly best in that moment…almost clutching my sons close to me.
This is my truth, right or wrong.
With all the off-centers in our world, in this both beautiful world and glorious Light of God, also engulfed and set within a hidden present darkness…I think also today on this quotation…
“This will be our reply to violence: to make music more intensely, more beautifully, more devotedly than ever before.”
–Leonard Bernstein
And therefore, this too, will be my reply.
It sometimes is the only reply we can muster…a prayer…and a song…arising from many silent or hidden tears.
Below are a set of powerful YouTube performances I have been watching today. I seem paralyzed in what art or other tasks to focus on. Perhaps today needs to be the day I finish the artwork I started months ago with this quote by Leonard Bernstein, around the beginning of the War in Ukraine. I wanted it to be my spiritual reply to it all. And I intend to leave the artwork as my Facebook Cover until that War ends.
I need to soothe myself today, and find something I’m capable of focusing on…to keep moving forward within what I see as a continued unfolding horrific scenario on many fronts, that tempts me to echo the words someone spoke to me in 2003…(paraphrase) “You seem to be in a situation that has no hope and no end…”
For all I know I am caught up in some unseen proxy War. I just don’t know anymore.
All I know is that I am heartbroken, weak, and coming to my Jesus. As I have done for many, many years. In fact, the same person said something along the lines of, to me, in 2003, “I can testify that you are a woman of deep faith and that faith has been a powerful force over the years…as you attempt to care for your children and (be a faithful wife).”
I remember these words, almost word for word.
That’s what we do…remember words…both the weaponized and the balming.
I will not put the entirety of the actual words to me, though I clearly recall them. I put a parenthesis, as it seemed most appropriate here.
The idea of faithfulness is an important one; we often speak of having faith, but really, living faithfully is a whole different conversation, I suppose. When I use the word faithfully I mean living with loyalty, intentionality, integrity, love and much more.
We all stumble in many ways. There is a Scripture that says (paraphrase) “though the righteous may fall a thousand times it is the Lord who holds their hand (and picks them up again).” I will not search the specific and imperfect reference of my paraphrase, nor, I think, from Psalm 51 (?)…“Thy word have I hidden in my heart that I might not sin against you.”
Please continue in your prayers for me – those who pray to the Jesus that I know, not to some other Jesus…(see Galatians)… Thank you, with deep gratitude.
Through the following YouTube music and images, in these particular pieces I have found some amounts of strength in today. There is no boundary in my mind between encouragement through overt worship music and encouragement through other amazing and powerful expressions of emotion, lyric and spirituality…that are less specific but no less spiritual, in my world.
As always, Shalom, to those reading here.
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