I continue to be spiritually horrified by the nature and roots of what I discern as nothing short of demonically-fueled spiritual personal assaults to my own self and faith. The most recent flaming arrow (surely prompted by Satan himself) arrived in my email inbox at 4:10 pm this afternoon.
Menacing words not only today but in increasing form, format and progression involve mockery of my faith, my personal journey, slander of my character and so much more. These weaponized words in the hands of a once-somewhat-trusted individual reveal what was true the whole time. The swiftness of the person’s capacity for utilization of piercing, malignant tools of the evil one signifies a number of truths to me.
In other words, this individual did not have to dig very deep to locate what they really thought and felt toward me all along.
As I contemplate that I appear to be the target of one skilled in online bullying, I ponder what appropriate response – not simply reaction – is warranted, if any.
In recent times I think a lot about various forms of violences (both the literal, outward forms, and the deeper, somewhat unseen emotional and spiritual, forms, which amount, literally, to equally true violences) and the foggy, muddied means of navigating proper response(s) to these things, in a variety of contexts.
Awhile back I came across a quotation by Leonard Bernstein which originates after the assassination of President Kennedy in 1963. As most quotations, song lyrics and Scriptures, I think we tend to personalize and take away things that seem to speak or apply to both broad and intimate situations and contexts.
“This will be our reply to violence: to make music more intensely, more beautifully, more devotedly than ever before.”
~ Leonard bernstein
This resonates with me quite a bit, simply for the deep artistic expression it articulates; music is quite essential and valuable in my world. There is tremendous power in music. Music illuminates not only my art but a number of other daily activities outdoors, spiritually and otherwise.
In my mind, there is somewhat of a oneness in artistic/musical/spiritual/verbal expression.
So with these things in mind, I form my response to this new round of assault, nearly three hours ago.
As part of my response, I decided to edit/finish this blog piece started last week in draft form, changing the original title of Feeding Sheep By Dark of Night to the current title While My Enemies Watch. I had considered picking up on my Job series (I am in Chapter 6) but eventually my thoughts and spirit thought upon Psalm 23 once again, as I felt the heavy spiritual weight that comes when we are targeted by the accuser of the brethren. (Revelation 12:10)
I read again the Psalm and in my mind, since it is dinner time, wanted to read again about God’s care for us in the various feasts He so graciously provides, in the midst of deep darknesses. As I browsed translations, the line in the CEV version stood out to me: The Good Shepherd does these things for us while our enemies stand watching. (paraphrased)
Accompanying this image and understanding, in part, of its meanings and applications, I thought of how God’s action likely provokes our spiritual enemies and entities that stalk us from afar, waiting to receive whatever internal command prompts them to launch some new assault.
While I think more in recent years about the Christian’s response to actual War, I also am a student of history and have various knowledges, as a layperson of course, of the making of War and the tactics.
The War of Attrition is certainly worthy of study and understanding, even for those seeking, ultimately, non-violence and non-violent responses in a variety of contexts.
I think of the wearing down tactics used in War and forced depletion of resources. I think of a particular Civil War Battle/tactic I would rather not name here due to its controversy and horrific pathway of damage.
And then, I think of Jesus preparing some calm feast for me in the presence of my enemies.
And with that, I think of the Passover itself. The celebration that took place in homes and in families and in safety while outside of the walls, not covered in the sign on the doorposts, those who dwelt in Egypt experienced immense sufferings and losses on that dark, dark night.
I think of Jesus, telling His disciples that He has “secret food” which is nourishing Him to do God’s will. (paraphrased from John 4:32-34)
What is it like for the enemy of our souls to watch us partaking of the bountiful spread Jesus sets before us, in dark, dark times?
Last Tuesday evening I had written…
It didn’t start out this way, but in recent weeks I find myself going out to give my two lambs their daily cracked corn treat sometimes between 10:00 p.m. upward to and even past midnight.
Last night, I thought more deeply about this and about their interactions with me during the nighttime hours.
There have been a few times that I have skipped a day here and there. I feel bad for them when this happens…they can hear me walking about the property but not finding time to come to them. They do not require these visits and treats to survive but I was advised that they will love it and I will have them socialized and eating out of my hand before long.
And it took about a week to ten days for this to happen!
I think about when they first arrived here how fearful they were of me and their new surroundings. They were about 3-4 months old or so…and they stood together, usually at least 20 ft away from me and if I made any move toward them they would startle and run.
The man who sold them to me taught me how to call them like their own mother calls saying “maaaa” not “baaaah” so that they would become attuned to my voice. The evening he brought them to me (it was my birthday, May 16, a gift to myself) he told me that if for any strange reason I found one of them dead the next day to contact me and he’d bring me another. He said that a sheep that finds itself alone can go into extreme distress and even die.
About a month ago I had accidentally not locked the chain on the gate to their upper area which connects down to the lower back pasture where there is also a chain on the gate. I had come in up front looking for them with treats and didn’t find them and walked all the way to the back for getting to go back and secure the front gate.
The next day a woman was knocking at my door. She had passed by and I also had met her once with my produce stuff and she asked if my goats were supposed to be up near the road. I was shocked to look out and see my two lambs which she mistook for goats standing in my okra and sunflower patch about 5 or 10 ft from the busy road where cars with by even though it is rural.
I came out and tried to call them to me with typical here here come here to which they just stood and stared. The woman offered to help me but I asked her to please just stand still because they could frighten easily. I was afraid they would run out into the road.
Suddenly I realized I needed to make their mother’s call that I had learned. As the two lambs stood staring me down from in my sunflower and okra patch, I made that call of “maaaa” and they perked up and kind of skipped toward me and I led them safely about 50 ft back into their area and locked the gate.
These sheep would not have any understanding why I have been irregular in my attendance to them over the past weeks. If I were to try to explain problems with Windows 11, personal issues and that I was with out my van for 3 weeks after my alternator died in the middle of heavy traffic near DC it would have no meaning to them.
My goats always bedded down in a shelter for the night and I would not have expected to go out so late and give them treats.
But sheep are different and graze all night and all day more like deer. While I do believe they rest inside the two different stall areas for shelter, sometimes I don’t really know what their schedule is in terms of sleep.
I was told they will sleep out in the field also at night in between grazing. I often am in and out at night doing various things such as caring for the chickens, working outside behind the building or having a bonfire, relaxing in my little pool or walking through a special area where I go to pray often at night time, alone.
I can hear the sheep calling to me any hour of the day or night if they hear my footsteps, my voice or especially my phone which is pretty much always playing music.
When I went out late last night around 10:30 pm I decided I would make a video of them. Actually one of them seemed afraid of me even though it had only been 2 days since I had fed them treats. There has been some interruptions this past week and some of those days I simply poured the treats into their bowl and waited a minute rather than patiently letting them feed from my hand.
The one sheep on the left was not so sure about me after my recent irregularity. She seemed to want to smell me and she kept walking away. The other sheep didn’t have any emotional or psychological issue continuing to eat out of my hand yet the other sheep was either not hungry (which I’ve never seen before) or was having some issue with me. And this provoked my sadness and empathy for her, as I observed her uncertainty.
As I understand it, sheep respond quite a lot with various forms of psychological fear and distress. I thought it was unusual for her to be smelling my arm and she even smelled my face (very unusual to this point) – and she kept walking away.
At some point she did eat briefly from my hand.
I need to recombobulate so much here and get more into a different routine with them again. Ideally I should treat them during daylight hours and at night.
God’s animals and creation provides such instruction for us. Jesus spoke so much in metaphor of nature and the Creation.
There is something about finding my sheep and calling them in the darkness of night and feeding them from my hand that ministers to my own soul.
Though there are days and times I might not come to them when and how they would expect me to, I never forget about them. I know that they are there and I do such things as make sure they have water when I’m about other things and can’t directly interact. I make sure their area is secure and that they have two safe shelters to enter if they so need or desire.
And with these thoughts now, this Tuesday night one week later, toward the end of another work-intense and other-care-laden day alongside the decision God made to permit another spiritual assault to be launched upon me from what I discern as a demonically-fueled person (I am not pronouncing judgement on their standing with Christ; we all are tools used for evil purposes at times, a process I cannot begin to explain or delve into here but can be seen within the book of Job), I hope that I have made the response Jesus is leading…as I fumble to find my footing upon these treacherous rocky, shores…
The Good Shepherd
Psalm 23 (CEV)
1 You, Lord, are my shepherd.
I will never be in need.
2 You let me rest in fields
of green grass.
You lead me to streams
of peaceful water,
3 and you refresh my life.
You are true to your name,
and you lead me
along the right paths.
4 I may walk through valleys
as dark as death,
but I won’t be afraid.
You are with me,
and your shepherd’s rod
makes me feel safe.
5 You treat me to a feast,
while my enemies watch.
You honor me as your guest,
and you fill my cup
until it overflows.
6 Your kindness and love
will always be with me
each day of my life,
and I will live forever
in your house, Lord.
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