This random joke I made four years ago came up this week in my Facebook feed as one of my memories – with option to re-share.
Because, remembering making cookies four years ago and sharing a random amusing thought I had as I was eating the dough is surely worthy of re-visit.
Life has a way of presenting challenges – battles – we face to which we either survive or succumb.
And it seems that once some major battle is won – or survived – there is a period of recovery and ordinary life and sense of well-being – then it seems we find ourselves once again in some battle that seems even worse.
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Part of me wants to theologize over this; part of me wants to philosophize over this; and part of me just wants to take the high road of sarcasm.
I’m all over the place today. Part of me wants to be all reverent, and part of me wants to quote what a friend messaged me earlier when I was having a sort of meltdown – because I read it and actually laughed out loud.
OK OK…I will write it here…with redaction…so there will be something for everyone here!
“It is probably not completely f***** and doomed. At worst, it’s only slightly f***** and
doomed.” Mantra by *Sam Lamott
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I sure am glad I survived eating raw cookie dough four years ago.
It seems it was some skirmish-y mini-battle thrown into my life at the time for some unknown reason.
Because surely I had survived worse things before.
Aren’t battles supposed to increase? To build stamina?
Some things have no answers.
Like why the Universe thrust me into a battle where I had to survive eating raw cookie dough one summer’s day in Alabama…four years ago…I can almost recall the details surrounding this cookie-making event….
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Since that day of making jelly cookies (most likely the type) I’ve had many more battles. While I recently wrote about being a BADASS woman – meaning I just keep getting through these ordeals with the help of God and good friends and a few family members – there are many days I don’t feel very BADASS.
Like today – when I broke down crying because one of my four cats was spotted sitting in a flower pot totally crushing a half-dead plant that symbolized a special memory – and I was already feeling pretty broken. The past six months have held much uncertainty for me and my future and there have been hidden battles and complications of my difficult post-divorce situation that are only fully known only to a smaller realm of people I have fully shared with.
While we all get our net of emotional and spiritual support, listening ears and hearts and prayer from a variety of other humans – maybe sometimes even a stranger one chats with in some situation – most of us leave the deepest details and struggles for a smaller net.
I am so grateful for the net of people God has caught me up with through this seemingly unending ordeal.
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Increasingly I have described my situation as first…very difficult, then dire, then exhausting…and most recently excruciating.
The fear and the uncertainty of many women like me that are in various stages of separation, divorce and post-divorce – trying to see their new future and rebuild their lives – can be excruciating on many levels.
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Excruciating?
While I know that as I write there are others facing ventilators, children still (presumably…since the news has turned to other things) are in cages on our border, people are losing jobs in this economic climate, people are suffering massive injustices in our nation, people are facing illness and other difficulties...friends I know who are also in similar situations as myself…all this sometimes compounds my difficulty in thinking about the situation that is mine – the situation that is before me to navigate.
I think it is good to not forget the big picture, but to remember that God is intimately involved in the small picture.
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground
outside your Father’s care.” – Matthew 10:29
My situation has unexpectedly become more prolonged and convoluted and complicated than I could have imagined when I came into this temporary place the end of January.
None of us could have imagined what has unfolded in our nation since March. And many of us who were already battling various forms of crisis have now found our situations engulfed in a pandemic.
Many of the things that unexpectedly prolonged my transition are directly or indirectly rooted in issues relating to the pandemic – there are many dominoes we are all dealing with – unique dominoes in our lives…
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I have been thinking lately about the idea of the hollow victory…which is a term sometimes used in therapy. The term is related to “Pyhrric Victory” which comes from a specific ancient battle.
“A Pyrrhic victory (/ˈpɪrɪk/ ( listen) PIRR-ik) is a victory that inflicts such a devastating toll on the victor that it is tantamount to defeat. Someone who wins a Pyrrhic victory has also taken a heavy toll that negates any true sense of achievement or damages long-term progress. It reflects a quote from Pyrrhus of Epirus, whose triumph against the Romans in the Battle of Asculum in 279 BC destroyed much of his forces, and while a tactical victory, forced the end of his campaign.” (Wikipedia)
As I keep telling my closest friends how very tired I am (battle weary)…and how I needed all this to move forward yesterday.…I begin to feel this last six months of my journey has taken such an emotional and physical toll on me I fear that the day I get to leave this place I will feel no joy. The day I get a key to my new home – I fear will have no meaning.
The battle – and many hidden losses along the way – feel so great that I fear won’t even know when or if I’ve won the battle…
I know in my mind that this is not true. I know in my mind that my heavenly Father knows and holds my future in His loving hand and that He is good.
I belive the nature of the Universe is good…it is generous…God is always working for our good….and the driving force of the Universe is Joy. (that is something one of my favorite author and speakers, Rob Bell, frequently says)
Perhaps when we are at the darkest moments, when we are at our weakest in endurance so that we have almost lost sight of the joy God is setting before us, that this Joy is just around the corner…
Last night another friend of mine sent me a meme with that same message, below.
Small acts of kindness and encouragement such as this go a long way to the battle-weary. And as soon as I finish this writing, another dear friend is wanting to chat by phone – her daily support is such a blessing. Indeed I cannot even count those who have been pulling me through this in various ways, helping form me into even more of a BADASS woman through their unique friendship and gift they bring to me in my “net.”
If I must be battle-trapped, I am sure grateful to also be caught up in another net.
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I am going to be OK. I will. I do believe this chapter of my life will soon end – and a new one begin.
And for that, I am also grateful.
If you have read to this point I ask you to think of someone else you know who is needing some encouragement in their battle and that you would reach out to them in some small way.
I already imagine that since you took the time to read this, you are a kind person.
As I’m writing, someone just texted me:
“You WILL cross the finish line. We’re gonna pray you over the finish line.”
I feel too weary to be praying someone else over their finish line at the moment, but I believe all our prayers whether big or small make a difference.
Maybe you know someone you can help pray over their battle’s finish line.
For me to believe that you, the reader, may pause a moment and think about those you may care for helps fan the low-burning flame I felt today. It reinforces my sense of purpose, determination and joy to keep pressing forward in my own battle.
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“Weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.” – Psalm 30:5
“…for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” – Nehemiah 8:10
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For further exploration
Learning to Walk in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor
The River, The Mountain, and You by Rob Bell
Thank You For Reading
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