Reflections on Painful Cyberspaces

So. Trying to hit the most mentally draining task first, this morning.

This is what it is like:

I am searching email under “orders” – to make sure I have downloaded any receipts for orders in 2021 and also notated in my clerical records. Because, need to do my taxes. Other things interdependent on THAT.While doing this, I also come across emails regarding actual orders from customers. I need to make sure that previous customer is on my newsletter contacts list. Because, repeat business. Connections.

Some people might just say “do a Marie Kondo” of your inbox, cyberspace….Nope.

Can’t truly do that, completely.

While doing this, under email search term “orders” I see two emails from my youngest son who no longer thinks I am worthwhile enough to be part of his/her/their life. Because. Trauma. I’m the main source of their “trauma.” OK.

These two emails were regarding seed orders and happened right before this “severance” last January 2021. They had worked for Fedco seeds up in Maine and asked if I wanted to order seeds with them at discount. I was excited about that, formed my list. A week later…there was some additional interaction about this and given all things, I said please cancel it.

Should I delete these emails? I didn’t. Just seeing my son’s name Joni E. in my inbox…maybe for the next 40 years…is about all I have right now.

As for any inbox clutter under “orders” that are 2020 receipts, I am doing a “Marie Kondo” rather than confirm my records…my taxes were filed, I am going to assume when I spent hours and hours last April/May (ha ha, while listening to screaming Jim Morrison on loop to rev me up for this awful task-mess, I remember that day!) that I found these. Just didn’t delete from inbox.

So. This is a rhetorical question of course.

Who thinks I am really this disorganized on a normal basis?

I feel angry. Just stating this to cyberspace.

I’m NOT. Sure, it has always been a challenge to do all my own accounting, all my own web development, all my own customer service and quotations and customer PR, all my own studio organization, plus all my artwork, all my promotional work. YEP.

I am so discouraged lately. I mean…I think of all the LOSS. All the loss of time, investment.

How much was lost -financially and other ways – when I moved to the first rental house in Alabama from 800 miles?

Then, a 2nd move to the house in Trinity.

Then, to a temporary place in DE. Then, to here.

During a worldwide PANDEMIC.

I really don’t want to whine.

I believe God is in control He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.

There are things I will never understand. There are deep blessings and growth I have experienced through the tribulation of what I thought would be a beautiful thing.

In this process, I have somewhat lost my own children and my stepchildren, to a degree. Not entirely.

It can be hard not to focus on all the loss.

I’ve lost some of the brown in my hair in the past ten years. In addition to some of my already thin hair! I’ve lost flexibility in my right hand with arthritis (oh but I type well, ha ha).

But there are gains, too, both visible and invisible. I don’t know the answers and I know we are all in the same boat. It is just hard.

If I could only catch up. Catch up, and move further forward…

Ironically the seller of this place had a wood sign in the basement of the studio building.

It says, “God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. I am so far behind I may never die.”

I suppose I should take that as…enouragement

Humor is extremely valuable in my world.

I can be deep thinking and existential on any given day. Ha. I will probably be cleaning up my cyberspace and hard drives for the rest of my conscious existence.

I’ll be sitting in some nursing home with my laptop and Alzheimers, if I’m lucky (at my 40 year reunion the partner of one high school friend was sitting next to me at the Deer Park…he’s a psychologist who researches Alzheimer issues and I remember him saying, “it is the ultimate existential experience” in that the person may be childlike and not fully suffering but everyone else around them is, which actually is sad, but…)…I won’t know anyone, remember anything, but…I’ll have my laptop saying “just give me a few more days….I am still deleting old emails and organizing the images of my life and my family…and more….”

________
Now….just found an email from the College Board from November 2011 under “orders” regarding SAT scores for my youngest son.

Why…why was it so hard to just delete out this message copy? I did it, with strange emotion. Under what circumstances will I ever need this information or to remember that part of our life together?

I suppose I should feel just a little lighter with this action…but I feel heavier, in some sense.

Letting go…

Below is a photo of a watercolor crayon portrait I did at Christmas visit 2016 of my youngest son, Jonathan. I had given Joni a very large set of caran d’ache watercolor crayons for a gift since he was enjoying art at that time and I demonstrated how they might be used.

I found this photo a few days ago while in process of organizing my cyberspace and hard drives.