He Was GOD to Her

1 Peter 3:5-7


New American Bible (Revised Edition)



 For this is also how the holy women who hoped in God once used to adorn themselves and were subordinate to their husbands;  thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him “lord.” You are her children when you do what is good and fear no intimidation.

 Likewise, you husbands should live with your wives in understanding, showing honor to the weaker female sex, since we are joint heirs of the gift of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Surely the above scripture text has been the subject of many conversations and controversies since it was first penned. Over the forty+ years that I have been seeking to follow Jesus, I’ve entertained a number of thoughts about this passage–thoughts borne of personal experiences and thoughts borne of personal observations and thoughts borne of a variety of other conversations and contemplations.

I’ve been a number of seemingly contradictory places regarding this (and related) texts and their interpretation and application, where the rubber hits the road.

Today I am going to attempt to bring several groupings of contemplations into one expression here, if possible.

I speak as both a twice-divorced woman, and as a Christian woman.

I speak amidst the current political-social conversation of what it means to be a woman.

I speak as a woman who feels her world is yet upside-down, in the wake of the seemingly endless, crushing waves and billows that are yet hitting upon personal shores of faith, hope, love and thoughts of yesterday, today and tomorrow.

What does it means for a woman to call a man–and only her husband–“lord….or…master?”

Having been a woman who has twice made a marital covenant and twice broken a marital covenant, I think a lot about various aspects of being a woman, and being a Christian woman. As a Christian, I prefer in my writings to use terms such as broken marital covenant as often as possible, rather than simply divorce.

Those who are not of the household of faith can rightly and primarily say that when they end a legal marriage, they divorce. But, I believe that when we are of the household of faith, we must come to terms that we have (either justifiably or not) broken a marital covenant.

For a Jesus-follower, signing their name on some legal document that ends a marriage should not be an easy matter. I recall both times the papers and signatures involved in terminating each of those Christian marital covenants.

I can still recall the innumerable thoughts and emotional/spiritual/psychological conflicts surrounding each situation.

But the signing of such documents, in particular, in both cases, represented quite a lot of emotion for me. Though the moment of signing around October of 2005 of the first breaking of a twenty-year marital covenant is somewhat waning in my mind’s eye, the more recent signing on December 19, 2019 of a nearly eight-year marital covenant is still vividly fresh, likely for a number of reasons. When final papers were presented to me for my signature at the end of a very long day, I asked for a moment to compose myself.

Of course, this was not in the immediate presence of my former spouse, who was in another, separate room the entire time. Like many women and men in such mediated divorce situations of separate rooms, there is no real idea what the process was like on the other end.

I had actually brought a copy of our vows along with me, and there was another person with me (one of the legal persons required) and I emotionally insisted they read those words (which they did, as I recall, in the retroactive blur of it all), while I cried, before I could sign the line. It was not that I did not want to sign (in both cases) but it was that I felt I wanted some small acknowledgement that I viewed this not only as a legal act but as a spiritual act.

We live in a world today where it is easy to break promises and to break faithfulness.

Daily, people casually behave in unfaithful ways to God, to their spouse and family, and to their neighbors.

The right to act dis-faithfully to those I just mentioned–plus many more actus of dis-faithfulness/dis-loyalty–is pretty much celebrated^1-2 these days.

There is a saying “death by a thousand cuts” and in marriage, mutual acts of dis-faithfulness/dis-loyalty seem to occur–leading to forms of contempt–long before the time-of-death is called.

I once read years and years ago, prior to the end of my first marital covenant, that contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce. One can Google and easily find relationship articles related to manifestations of contempt.

And around that time, a phrase solidified in my mind (I came up with this phrase after much rumination) that I have often remembered and spoken from time to time within my writings and conversations:

“Saying I Do is Far Easier Than Saying I Don’t.“

It is somewhat easy to say “I Do” to someone. But then, the couple begins the lifelong keeping of those spoken promises–whatever those specific promises may actually be. These things are always mutually difficult and require a lot of intentionality in loving someone in a complete way that can be characterized and named as the most beautiful and life-giving relationship possible on this earth–that which potentially exists between a man and a woman.

When a variety of things lead to the failure of the marriage covenant, the process of saying “I Don’t” then comes into play–and that process is never one of beauty, hope, joy or any such thing. That process is not like a groom imagining his bride walking down the aisle toward him, nor a bride imagining what she wants to wear on that day or which flowers to carry in her hands.

Rather, it is a dreadful reckoning of how to do (and survive) that which is the most unfaithful act one can do toward one’s life partner–the one who, for the Christian, was to be the one human neither will never leave nor forsake. Like God Himself who never leaves nor forsakes us, the marriage covenant is that which most closely represents God and His people, or Christ and His Bride.

Yet, those who have divorced understand that the death of the marriage and the many dis-faithful, dis-loyal acts of all sorts–and words can be the very worst–pave a long, slow death before the point of dreadful reckoning occurs in real time.

And this is why I think divorce leaves such lasting difficulties. Yet, sadly, divorce does happen, and I believe God is merciful, kind and always working for the good of those who believe and are called according to His purposes.

What’s a Covenant?
A covenant is a relationship between two partners who make binding promises to each other and work together to reach a common goal. They’re often accompanied by oaths, signs, and ceremonies. Covenants define obligations and commitments, but they are different from a contract because they are relational and personal. Think of a marriage—a husband and wife choose to enter into a formal relationship, binding themselves to one another in lifelong faithfulness and devotion. They then work as partners to reach a common goal, like building a life or raising children together.

~The Five Key Covenants God Makes With Humans in the Bible
Partnerships Between God and People

So where does this all leave a divorced Christian woman? There are many, many thoughts on this. Many books, interpretations, scripture texts and more. It is not my focus to delve into that in this piece. Over the years I have known divorced women friends who have quickly re-married, slowly came to re-marry, divorced more than once, or vowed to remain single for the rest of their lives and consider Jesus as their husband.

Many dear ones come to mind, and too many general thoughts/recollections about all and each of them.

Even my own thoughts/processes before, during and after each of my divorces is too much to re-trace in this piece, and not needful for this to be relatable. I think I feel more inclined to just express how I think and feel in this moment of time.

And that is today, on this Sunday afternoon.

As I go through intentionally trying to cultivate a somewhat new Sunday routine in my life of solitude, which involves some combination of personal reflections and writings, more set-apart time for domestic tasks, and attempting for the third week in a row to visit another faith family that has Sunday evening services in order to take a small step toward re-connecting with Christian siblings in Christ, for some reason I thought about Sarah and the passage I started with.

In Genesis, Sarah asked (in a different context), “Shall I have pleasure when I am old?”

I would imagine there are a variety of pleasures to yet be experienced in one’s later years in having a trusted life partner–pleasures of companionship, shared mutual spiritual pursuits, and much else. Last week I felt touched by a conversation with a client that I hear from about once every year or two.

She is ninety-two now, and I first connected with her over twenty years ago when she asked me to do one of the Cord of Three Strands calligraphy pieces I have done now for over fifteen-hundred couples since 1991. She and her husband were celebrating their golden anniversary. She was eventually widowed about ten years ago, but has periodically contacted me to order the same gift for each of her grandchildren (and some friends) as weddings come up.

Each time I hear her voice (and experience her lack of utilizing technology and relying on the good, old-fashioned phone call and check sending, rather than email/text/electronic forms of communication and payment!!!) I wonder to myself, “how old is she now and is she doing okay?”

On Wednesday last week when she called me, after taking the order I asked, “So how are you doing these days?” Her response made me smile and left me musing…it was kind of cute, too!

The first thing out of her mouth was, “I’m in love!” We went on to have a very interesting conversation about her and another 92-year-old man. I asked questions that opened her up to sharing more. She described what their relationship is like, also saying, “We feel like teenagers!”

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As a twice-divorced Christian woman nearing sixty, I often wonder what my future will hold. Whether I would ever dare to somehow enter a third marital covenant someday in my far future…and what would I want that to look like?

And thus, in an entirely non-hermaneutical way, as I was doing dishes, making zuchinni bread, and general things I wished to do today, I thought about Sarah calling a man her “lord.”

I suppose in part, I was also reflecting on conversations I had with two other older couples I’ve known many years that I had on a recent trip to Delaware. I found myself, during the three days there, in various gatherings at two different faith communities and in conversation with these I first knew from another season in my younger life.

One thing that was said by the man in one conversation I was in, along with his wife, I responded to with “that is quite a beautiful thing for you to say (of his wife).” It just left me with many musings.

What a beautiful thing it would be–yet such a difficult thing due to human sins and weaknesses–for a woman to be in covenant with a man who truly was God to her in the deepest, best and truest sense of the concept.

Perhaps when we read of Sarah calling Abraham “lord” we hear it in a way that has been quite tainted. And, who knows what their relational connection was like during those times.

What if it were possible for two humans to be (like) God to one another? And especially, for a woman to have no fear in that love?

For many who have been broken and crushed by divorce, it might be like somewhere they have never traveled before…

I think it is a trust issue, ultimately. To trust and to be trustworthy again, after any divorce, is of utmost importance.

The difficulty that many women (and men) have–and especially those who have been divorced–is trusting again. And that is why the scripture texts I began with can feel problematic. But yet, for some, the same passage may be an expression of deep beauty and joy.

And in that space, many struggle.

As for me, Jesus must be that to me, first and foremost. And the hope is dim and distant for anything beyond, as my feet still struggle to find their ground on the sandy beach of the waters–the waves and billows that are yet going over me–in the rippled, troubled tide…the difficult wake of seemingly multi-faceted devastations that are all that is now my life.

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¹The Outrage Mob’s Newest Target: Matt’s Twins?

²VICE “Dangerous” Conservative Women DEBUNKED | Michael Knowles