This year for Father’s Day, I write to honor two other father figures from my life–my Uncle Bill and my first father-in-law, Henry (Dad).
After my father died when I was sixteen, I increasingly began to look to my Uncle Bill and Aunt Virginia as two blood relations that stepped into the role of parental substitutes, to some degree. But before I talk about these things, I want to go back to various interesting Old Testament stories and/or practices which conceptually highlight traditional views of family and marriage.
While there is no one-to-one correlation I am making, and cultural and pragmatic practices and mores change over time, I think it would do us all well to be reminded of that which is more traditional. And surely most every culture on earth embraces many similarities in concept and practice, though certainly it varies. In mentioning a few Old and New Testament things that come to mind (though this is mainly for Father’s Day) there is going to be overlap with stories dealing with both men and women, patriarchal figures and matriarchal figures. There’s a lot of talk these days about elders (not in the Christian church sense, but in the sense of looking up to older mentors by those younger folk who are part of various movements, especially nature-related movements.
So I think it is important for me to start with a reminder of elders (and what it means to be an elder, and the respect due our elders–Fathers especially we honor today–in the traditional Judeo-Christian models of parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, fathers and mothers, and the vital role they play in our lives to promote healthy relationships and families.
While it may be initially unclear to some readers why I might touch on some of these biblical stories and themes, I hope that by the end of my piece here that the deeper conceptual essence of the place of family–with its obligations and expectations–might be illustrated from ancient biblical culture in a way that helps us all re-evaluate current views and practices concerning obligations, expectations and especially what it means to honor and to dishonor, within the context of nuclear family, extended family, and family situations which have become tremendously broken (seemingly beyond meaningful repair) through divorce, children produced apart from marital covenants, societal norms where geographic relocations are commonplace, and medical advances/societal systems that now force professional nursing care rather than geriatric home care, and more.
We now live in a society where birth and death is no longer integrated into the commonplace activities of the homestead–where all matters including education, religious learning and more are to be handled by the professionals (“experts”) and the myriad of “specialized” systems. Systems which are increasing corrupt, devoid of traditional values and politically agendized.
In these systems, the basic traditional family unit is under attack, erosion and subject to control of the godless (meaning, those who have no real regard for God nor man, nor person nor family, and especially not for traditional Judeo-Christian values).
It is from this place that sons despise their father’s wisdom (if in fact the father has taken his calling with diligent maturity) and their mother’s faithful instruction. (Proverbs 1:8-9) While these wisdoms and instructions may manifest in modern society differently than three to four thousand years ago, the underlying consistency is that parents and grandparents and great-grandparents are elders and the wisdom of their years is vital. They are a wealth of love and joy; and we, as children, grand-children and great-grandchildren of such legacies and honorable efforts, are essentially morally obligated to give these elders the due fruits of their labors.
- “‘Honor your father and mother’—this is the first commandment with a promise: ‘so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth‘” (Ephesians 6:1–3).
Proverbs 1:9 can be understood that the wisdom of parents (or the mentoring/eldering of “fathers” and “mothers” within a community) are as garlands around the necks of younger generations.
It is good and right and holy that we honor those with the hoary head as such–apart from the truth that all humans fail, are selfish, make mistakes and are filled with their own annoying idiosyncrasies.
Proverbs 16:31 (KJV)
The hoary head is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of righteousness.
Proverbs 17:6 (KJV)
Children’s children are the crown of old men; and the glory of children are their fathers.
To intentionally rob older generations of the “fruits” of their hands (their love, their care, their provision and their wisdom over the years), in terms of family relational reward, is to dishonor. Yet, this is where our society now is. We are upside-down and far south from Eden. The young feel entitled to things their forefathers worked nearly a lifetime to build–and they judge, criticize, tear down in fell swoops–that which they decide must be de-constructed.
Some will stop short of nothing including wielding ghosting techniques, cancel culture mentality and more–cruelly hurting older generations while upping the criticisms if they don’t relinquish their own views, hopes and dreams. It is like they feel entitled to put their parents in some “time out” chair.
“Think about it” is their control mechanism to the parent who has violated some (possibly unknown) rule while walking on the unnecessarily-created eggshells. The communication is broken, distorted, one-sided. The demand to be heard is ever-present, but there is no seeming mutual ground. In ideal and healthy relationships where communication is clear, rather than selective sound bites apart from context (and often not even written in full sentences), two parties aim for mutual hearing and compromises; mutual understandings. I’ve listened to a number of parents my age who have been put into this painful time-out chair of estrangement. These are good parents, not the monsters the TikTok groomers and false, predatory “life coaches” indoctrinate and poison young minds against.
In essence…“Just sit there and think about what you did…until you truly feel sorry (or comply). Don’t ask when you can get up, or what you did. Just think about it. You’ll get out of parent-time-out when I tell you. When you have paid the very last penny, so-to-speak.”
Just imagine a world in which Proverbs 1:8-9 read like this, and then you will understand the world in which we are now living:
- “Listen, (my father/mother/grandfather/grandmother/great-grandfather/great-grandmother), to (your son’s/daughter’s…or…”our/they/them/zir/ze/zem’s”) instruction and do not forsake (your offspring’s teaching). They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.”
The actual text, of course, reads as follows:
- “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.”
As in most things these days, there’s a great amount of confirmation bias and so much else that exacerbates all family relationships. From TikTok experts to social movements, to entitlement trends and linguistic changes, to shifts in responsibility perspectives, financial considerations, time considerations, usage of phone and other “devices” to rising occult and New Age religious trends that assault and supplant the Jesus of the bible and His truths and teachings (that encompass both Old and New Testaments given us), it feels like a dreadful, hellish landscape for parents, especially, to navigate.
There is nothing new about younger generations both rightfully and wrongfully critiquing older generations–there is actually value and place for this and both older and younger can learn and grow together and find healing into adult years. But these days, it seems the spirit of things that are occurring in other societal landscapes (let’s call it “creeping WOKENESS”–a term I heard recently) are creeping into the tone and attitudes toward parents and grandparents.
It takes a lot of nerve to “call out” those who gave us life and did their best, in most cases, to love, nurture, care and provide for us, often while carrying their own personal difficulties and heavy responsibilities. Many in my generation or older are still moving within generally accepted norms and values (both by practicing Christians as well as the non-religious or other-religious) that involved certain rights and responsibilities and implementations of love and respect for our parents and grandparents. Even in situations that were a lot to navigate and bear, we grew up with models and belief systems that still pointed us in the general direction of concepts found in most civilized cultures and especially, in the Old and New Testaments.
I think of the following passages from the ancient biblical world that demonstrate how important family was, and the rights, expectations and responsibilities at that time. I mention these first, and then go on to write about one of the most beautiful Old Testament stories, that of Ruth and Naomi. I believe that the custom found in Deuteronomy may have been somewhat at play in that story, though the family relationships different.
- In Deuteronomy 25:5-10 (NIV), it says:
- “If brothers are living together and one of them dies without a son, his widow must not marry outside the family. Her husband’s brother shall take her and marry her and fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to her. The first son she bears shall carry on the name of the dead brother so that his name will not be blotted out from Israel.
However, if a man does not want to marry his brother’s wife, she shall go to the elders at the town gate and say, “My husband’s brother refuses to carry on his brother’s name in Israel. He will not fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to me.” Then the elders of his town shall summon him and talk to him. If he persists in saying, “I do not want to marry her,” his brother’s widow shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face and say, “This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother’s family line.” That man’s line shall be known in Israel as The Family of the Unsandaled.”
In Matthew 22, reference is made to Deuteronomy 5 when the religious people of the day were seeking to discredit Jesus in various ways. It would seem there was an amount of linguistic and other challenges being made here, and I think the response of Jesus is interesting.
Marriage at the Resurrection (Matthew 22:23-33, NIV)
- That same day the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to him with a question. “Teacher,” they said, “Moses told us that if a man dies without having children, his brother must marry the widow and raise up offspring for him. Now there were seven brothers among us. The first one married and died, and since he had no children, he left his wife to his brother. The same thing happened to the second and third brother, right on down to the seventh. Finally, the woman died. 28 Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?”
Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven. But about the resurrection of the dead—have you not read what God said to you, ‘I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob’? He is not the God of the dead but of the living.”
When the crowds heard this, they were astonished at his teaching.
The story of Ruth, her sister Orpah, and their mother-in-law, Naomi, is found of course in the Book of Ruth. In this story, Naomi (a Hebrew) found herself in a foreign land due to famine, where her two Hebrew sons had taken foreign wives. It would seem that these young women, Ruth and Orpah, her daughter-in-laws, formed normal family attachments, loyalties and connections to their mother-in-law during the time their husbands (her two sons) were living.
For those who want a refresher on the story, here is a cartoon link! (We all like simple stories at times).
I imagine the normal family times that Naomi shared with Ruth and Orpah had included all the various bonding that goes on between older and younger women within normal families and communities (see Titus 2:3-5)1 such as cooking together, eating together, telling family stories of many types, sharing of household activities and even worshipping together.
I conjecture that Naomi and her sons, though they were Hebrews that worshipped the one, true God Yahweh, included these two foreign women as valued, cherished family members into their spiritual/religious heart and practices. This would seem self-evident in the responses by both Ruth and Orpah after their husbands died.
My paternal grandmother was named Orpha and I read the name literally means “to turn the back of one’s neck.”3 I listened to one commentary that pointed out that both Ruth and Orpah initially expressed the same desire to not depart from Naomi, and it was met with the same urging by Naomi toward both, who surely cared for each deeply and, in her wisdom, perceived it best for them both to return to the safety of their own people. Both were young women who would need certain provision/care/covering during those times, and both Ruth and Orpah’s different responses were valid, acceptable and understandable, given the difficult circumstances.
When I first read of the meaning, I thought about it a bit like turning the other cheek…to show the back of one’s neck was similar. But perhaps, it meant that Orpah graciously and in mourning, made a difficult decision in the face of whatever tragedy left her a young widow, to part ways with her mother-in-law, Naomi. We do not know what became of her, and one must assume that her people took her back and they, too, had their own customs of the day to find her another husband.
As for Ruth, she eventually bore a child and both King David and Jesus came through her lineage. I think it is important to note that in this situation, there were two marital covenants in place. These women were named as wives (not live-in partners or any one of the myriad of atypical, a-traditional relationships that exist in current culture in both the United States and especially, other European countries…as opposed to cultures where monogamy and life-long union is still the norm and valued).
I pause here to define the term covenant. In the bible, there are a number of different types of covenants: there was a covenant between God and Abraham, between God and Noah, between God and Moses, between God and David–between man and woman…between God and man, heaven and earth–the greatest covenant, of course, being written through the blood of our Lord and Savior, Shepherd and King, Jesus.
For the Judeo-Christian, marriage is not simply a legal situation, but it is a marital covenant. This has huge implications, in a number of central issues in family and current society.
- “What’s a Covenant? A covenant is a relationship between two partners who make binding promises to each other and work together to reach a common goal. They’re often accompanied by oaths, signs, and ceremonies.”2 (The Five Key Covenants God Makes With Humans in the Bible (Partnerships Between God and People)
Back to the beautiful story of Ruth and Naomi, from which one of the most well-known expressions of love, loyalty and family attachment is so beautifully expressed in Ruth 1:16.
Naomi and Ruth Return to Bethlehem
6 When Naomi heard in Moab that the Lord had come to the aid of his people by providing food for them, she and her daughters-in-law prepared to return home from there. 7 With her two daughters-in-law she left the place where she had been living and set out on the road that would take them back to the land of Judah.
8 Then Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law, “Go back, each of you, to your mother’s home. May the Lord show you kindness, as you have shown kindness to your dead husbands and to me. 9 May the Lord grant that each of you will find rest in the home of another husband.”
Then she kissed them goodbye and they wept aloud 10 and said to her, “We will go back with you to your people.”
11 But Naomi said, “Return home, my daughters. Why would you come with me? Am I going to have any more sons, who could become your husbands? 12 Return home, my daughters; I am too old to have another husband. Even if I thought there was still hope for me—even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons— 13 would you wait until they grew up? Would you remain unmarried for them? No, my daughters. It is more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord’s hand has turned against me!”
14 At this they wept aloud again. Then Orpah kissed her mother-in-law goodbye, but Ruth clung to her.
15 “Look,” said Naomi, “your sister-in-law is going back to her people and her gods. Go back with her.”
16 But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.
17 Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.” 18 When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her.
19 So the two women went on until they came to Bethlehem. When they arrived in Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them, and the women exclaimed, “Can this be Naomi?”
20 “Don’t call me Naomi,[b]” she told them. “Call me Mara,[c] because the Almighty[d] has made my life very bitter. 21 I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted[e] me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.”
22 So Naomi returned from Moab accompanied by Ruth the Moabite, her daughter-in-law, arriving in Bethlehem as the barley harvest was beginning.
As I re-read this chapter again, I am struck this time by how difficult it must have been for Naomi to urge her daughter-in-laws not only to “go back to their own ‘people'” but to their peoples’ “gods.” I speculate it a judgement call where this matriarch must have considered first the physical survival/well-being of these younger women/dependents above even their spiritual allegiances of that day, which seems to be saying a lot about not only her depth of love, but again, that in the context of the famine and mixed marriage that resulted in her sons making a covenant with non-Hebrew women, that there must have been a deep amount of modeled inclusion into the Hebrew faith, practices and understandings of the one true God, Yahweh.
So. You’ve read this far. Leave it to me to pull several different topics and themes into one piece.
I really will get to the main event here–my Father’s Day tribute to two family members I will always remember.
But first.
I pause here to briefly insert three quite shocking representations of the darkness seeking to harm families that can be found in plenty on platforms such as TikTok. The following three short clips are from online groomer Jeffrey Marsh (also known as a “glitter mom”) are intended to encourage as many young people as possible to sever from normal family relationships. This dark, cult-like behavior is not an outlier; those exploring the truth of these things can easily find many such samplings.
And with this very long introduction,
I will share a few special memories of two men that stepped into roles as father in my life, to the day that they died.
When I contemplated forming this piece, I selected the title “I Don’t Think I’ll Do Such a Big Garden Next Year” because of some other thoughts. I was thinking of aging, gardens and other things. And I recalled how much I loved visiting my Uncle Bill and Aunt Virginia (as often as circumstances permitted, since they were nearly a three hour drive) and especially in the summer or fall when Uncle Bill would give us the tour of his large, amazing gardens.
I come from generations of farmers and gardeners (on both sides, actually) and those on my dad’s side especially seem to have been known for their green thumbs. Strolling leisurely through my uncle’s garden was a kind of ritual, it seemed. And on some level, connected me to my own father and very young memories of helping him in his gardens.
Uncle Bill once showed me how he was pruning and tying up his large raspberry/blackberry patches. Though I may not recall his actual process, I use the concept to this day, further researching how berries grow and the methods. We would stroll around looking at berries–maybe picking and eating a few–then meander through the asparagus, squashes, strawberries, corn, onions, bean, potatoes and many other crops! Surely I’m forgetting all the various things, put out in organized rows and patches like some organic maze. And then, we’d mosey on back to the peach orchard.
The older I got, it seemed the smaller Uncle Bill’s garden became. Not that it was small at all, but my appreciation and sense of it at age 15, for example, was very different than the last year I saw it in 2007 at some point, when I was 44 years old, the year before Aunt Virginia died in May of 2008.
When I was a young child, it felt like Uncle Bill lived on some kind of “farm,” and that impression persisted into my college years, to some degree. Once I was married and had my own children, home and garden space, I realized a bit more that Uncle Bill just had a very large rural property with massive gardens! (I’m not really sure the exact difference, per se!)
It was just always so fun to visit, especially with my young family, and experience my Uncle Bill and Aunt Virginia’s homeplace. And as they continued to age (my Uncle Bill must have been about 64 years old when he gave me away at my first wedding, speaking the words at the altar “on behalf of my brother, Rodney, I do” in response to the traditional question Christian clergy ask of those at the altar about to make what is intended by them and God to be a lifelong vow/marital covenant…“And who gives this woman to be married to this man?”), I recall what Uncle Bill would always say as we walked through his gardens.
He would talk about his hands and arthritis, the heat, or other things, in between proudly showing his gardens. And he would say, surely in response to our comments and marveling: “This is getting to be a lot. Next year I don’t think I’ll plant as much.”
Yet, there we would be next year,
walking through again, wondering what didn’t he plant this time?!
We would leave with jars of homemade jellies and sometimes other goodies. And never once did I feel we were some “accessory” to this scenario, as though my aunt and uncle were just waiting for their children, grand-children, nieces and nephews and even great-grandchildren to show up in some loving, caring and predictable way to be with them and share life together. No, like the Proverb says, they were a garland (accessory) of wisdom, love and care to us. They gave so much of themselves to their own family, yet still had time to give to me and my children.
Distance prohibited weekly, monthly or sometimes even bi-yearly visits. But, generally we packed up and traveled there 2-3 times per year and spent a night or two. We took day excursions to little museums or Harper’s Ferry, attended church together, ate meals together, and sat around leisurely talking about family stories and our lives, generally.
Christmas gatherings at various homes of their grown children were equally very meaningful to me and my young family, and there were letters and cards regularly exchanged. Birthdays and occasions such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day–even wedding anniversaries–were typically acknowledged with some combination of cards, phone calls and small gifts. It’s just what it meant to be part of a normal family, and given that my own nuclear family situation wasn’t quite normal, I was especially grateful to be included.
In fact, the home, traditions, gardens, cooking and much more that I tried to replicate in my own sphere were modeled quite heavily in concept/practices/traditions after what I experienced from my dear Aunt and Uncle, who both recognized my personal need and had enough space in their hearts and homes to stretch themselves just a little farther and welcome me in.
In some ways, it reminds me conceptually of some of the biblical references I first made.
And now, I will move on to Henry (and Janet) Elfers.
I first met Henry Elfers the spring of 1984 when he came to the UD campus at Easter, as I recall, or perhaps it was the end of the semester. Or both times. By Christmas of 1984, I was spending several days in Quakertown, PA in his home, along with the man who became my first husband of twenty years and the father of my two sons.
Below are two photos from that Christmas trip. He took us to see lights in Bethlehem, PA, and I think, to a Moravian Church display in that area. I remember walking around a town and seeing little shops and holiday displays. This experience was significant to me, since my own holiday times were historically quite difficult and lacking. I so wanted to connect and have a sense of family and normalcy in my life, and I continued to be drawn in with desires for the future.
There is one memory I have from the times of visiting Henry prior to my marriage. Henry was at that point a middle aged bachelor, and had several animals including a long-haired cat! I recall on one of the visits that I offered to vacuum the entire carpet areas and clean, and he graciously showed me where to find things and praised me afterward at the difference it made. At that young, tender age of twenty-one years old, having lost my own father at sixteen, I drank in the positive feelings and affirmation of my womanly skills that were sent my way.
Below are other photos of Henry holding each of my sons. I could go on and on about the numerous interactions over those twenty years–we would go back and forth to visit him in Pennsylvania. Eventually, Henry re-married to a wonderful woman named Janet. They moved down to Manteo, NC on the Outer Banks, and our young family took a yearly trip down to visit each summer. It was one of the highlights of our year.
I remember these days with fondness and love. It was a time where many things seemed right in my world, and the sense of love and family that was expressed through Henry and Janet was significant. I can still hear in my mind’s ears, Henry’s voice saying things like, “What do you kids want for dinner? I have some burgers we can cook (or grill).” Even when we were in our late 30’s, Henry always referred to his son and to me as “you kids.”
After the divorce, Henry and Janet kept in touch with me. Janet, especially, would spend various phone time and I recall one particular conversation within months after the divorce where she put Henry on the line and he told me that he wanted me to know that the divorce didn’t change things and he specifically wanted to tell me that “You will always be our daughter.”
This was such a deeply beautiful response, and I want to honor this man for telling me that. Not every family situation marred by divorce retains this relational quality. In Henry’s later years with Janet, he became deeply involved in the Lutheran Church, and I watched his life transform as together, he and Janet served in that community down on the Outer Banks, NC.
I continued to interact with both Henry and Janet over the years following the divorce–by phone, social media and otherwise. There were two post-divorce trips to North Carolina–one where my first husband even came along for the trip and visit, and the other was in 2008 when I had saved enough money as a single mom to take a bit of an extended trip to the Outer Banks and then to Chincoteague on the way back to Delaware.
Henry’s beloved Janet had many health issues and passed away before he did. But, not before they got a room, together, in an assisted living/nursing facility. It was the sweetest thing.
When I heard that Henry was near his own death, I wanted to speak to him one last time. But, I was afraid. I don’t deal easily with death and goodbyes, and I was afraid that I couldn’t speak in the way that I wished.
I remember calling and a nurse said that he couldn’t talk but was conscious and could hear. She wanted to put the phone to his ear for me. I was still living in Alabama at that time. I told the nurse that I didn’t know if I could do that, and my voice was very emotional. Instead, I asked her to give him my message.
When addressing Henry directly, I still called him Dad until the day he died. But I told the nurse to please tell Henry how much I love him, and how much it had meant to me that he had told me that I will “always be his daughter.” As I write this, tears and emotion rises up within me.
On August 5, 2022, my youngest son, Jonathan Rodney Elfers (his middle name is after my father), became a father to fraternal twins named Zola Lynne and Arlo Henry. I am delighted that Jonathan and his partner selected the name Henry to honor his paternal grandfather.
Psalm 127:3
“Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him.”
~written 5/20/23 to 6/17/23
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1Titus 2:3-5, NIV: Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.
2The Five Key Covenants God Makes With Humans in the Bible (Partnerships Between God and People)
3From Moms Who Think website: Orpha Baby Name: Meaning, Origin, Middle Name Pairings & More
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