No One Ever Fully Gets the Life They Hoped For

I’m exhausted today likely due to my spontaneous consumption of one dark chocolate holiday truffle eaten around midnight as I shut off the TV and headed to bed, which is about my usual time.

It was just laying there on the coffee table next to another wrapped light chocolate ball.

I’m highly sensitive to caffeine.

I drink a huge double cup of morning coffee and generally won’t drink coffee or any caffeinated beverage after about 2 pm as precaution against insomnia, which I sometimes struggle with.

I’m a moderate chocolate lover – a kind friend gifted me a couple bags of these at the holidays – and I don’t normally consume chocolate after around 6 or 7 pm for the same reasons.

But sometimes we throw caution to the wind.

I had a long, good and productive day yesterday. I was a bit keyed up and overstimulated after being quite engaged in a fun art project all evening and continuing with ideas for progress and improvements.

I went in front of the TV to wind down, but in just a blink of an eye, I thought to myself, “I really would enjoy that piece of dark chocolate. I bet the caffeine really won’t bother me tonight,” and in several bites, that thing was gone.

I crawled into bed as usual, browsed my phone just a bit as usual, and then, found myself struggling with insomnia and light, restless sleep until 2 or 3 am…

I did get about 5-6 hours but that is not enough for me – not with the heavy loads I’m carrying.

I’ve kept my nose to the computer all day long, trying to methodically knock out needed work and tasks – some of which are mentally and emotionally almost excruciating on a number of levels.

Around 4 pm, I thought to myself…“Wow…sometimes the difference between coping well and not is a piece of chocolate.”

Many would agree with this, but not in the same way.

There were some things I was needing to deal with organizationally that produced a few difficult and distressing thoughts and emotions, indirectly fallout from my divorce. Personal stuff that is just part of the hidden griefs of divorce.

And I thought to myself, “it is not just divorce…lives can change in the blink of an eye…and all lives are touched with amounts of sorrows and disruptions of how we hope and desire our lives to be.”

I thought of a friend last night who messaged me privately some very difficult news.

And then, I walked to my computer to message them and just say, “How are you?”

And I felt better, because in that small thing I recognized that none of us are alone in having these difficulties and we all need one another.

We all give and receive care so imperfectly…almost as randomly at times as that chocolate I ate on a whim last night, but sometimes with great intention.

Then, I took a picture of the remaining chocolate – knowing that might be an eye-grabbing image to go with this somewhat short expression.

I sent it on FB chat to a good friend – she knows I do that from my phone just to “quick grab” on computer for my blog or emails, since FB often also scales the image down for web use, as well.

We had a little funny shorthand dialogue which is also making me smile. I know her well enough that she loves chocolate, probably much more than me, and I know we prefer the same kind and also share in our love of dark humor.