Stand Back, Marley, I Got This!

“When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.” (Proverbs 31:21 NIV)

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My dreams are big – maybe too big – and I am small, maybe…I fear…too small.

Too small for such big dreams at this point in my life.

I believe God is big. Very big. Yet I live daily in the tension of trying to follow both internal inclinations and guidance -and external guidances – of many sorts.

Just because God is big does not guarantee or necessarily imply that He will give His stamp of approval on my big dreams at high noon…

“Open up before God, keep nothing back;
he’ll do whatever needs to be done:
He’ll validate your life in the clear light of day
and stamp you with approval at high noon.”

(Psalm 37:5-6 The Message)

Today, as I was thinking about it being Monday after Christmas and feeling the same paralyzing feelings despite my constant chipping away and attempts at forward movement…trying to calm my mind and think through what to focus on next…I glanced to the window and noticed that…today…it is snowing.

A number of things went through my mind, but I ended up doing what I knew I must do…next…which is to honor this sacred event.

I love snow, and for me, the first snow always has such a sense of sacredness…a cleansing of sorts from the seasons and things of the past year.

There is a silence in the snow which calls loudly for my attention.

There is a magic…a beautiful covering falling from above.

This covering creates a visual silence…this visual covering allows my mind to hear the poetry of it all.

For many of my adult years, the verse from Proverbs 31 (at top of post) comes into my mind when I see the snow, especially the first snow.

This passage which speaks about womanhood in a way which I identify has been a powerful force in my leanings over many years during each marriage, during my time as a single mom, and even now. (Proverbs 31:10-31)

Not every part need be literally true – I can be no one’s wife yet live faithfully to all that is still before me.

At the risk of sounding traditionally limited (my views of feminism are much more complex and nuanced) I will say that all I’ve desired and aimed for (underneath my many entrepreneurial passions and pursuits) is to ultimately, be a keeper of my home.

To aim at being a woman who manages her household well. It is really, in a sense, since 1985 when I entered my first marriage, that which I’ve known best, and seems even now to continue coloring all I do – from cooking and freezing food in large quantity (more than I can eat so I delight to give to my son and others) to creating a pleasant and fun home environment…recently sometimes I think that my aim for the remainder of my life should simply be to create as much beauty as possible in a number of ways and forms.

Creating beautiful things visually and otherwise has always seemed to come naturally to me. It is my gift.

So I must create – for others, for those most dear to me, for myself, and for God. All humans must have some thing that drives them – some purpose.

Yet I don’t always feel too beautiful, now, finding myself twice divorced. So I must acknowledge that maybe I’ve failed in some ways to live up to my beautiful aims and acknowledge where that leaves me, today.

And there is a lot I grieve in this, twice over now, with too many questions and too many cares for today and for tomorrow…too many griefs over past things that are now inked into my story and that of my children and others…

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I am left in much difficulty, personally, on every level.

Yet I find myself unwilling to fold…unwilling to simply roll over and bow out of this terrible metaphorical card game of sorts…to say I’m done “calling,” I’m done “raising”…I am unwilling to say “whatever dreams, gifts and otherwise I have in my hand, it is just not enough...or it is just…TOO MUCH”

That the “game is too big for me, my hand is too small…”

Or…I am just “too much.”

Too much to ever enter into the promised land of being fully and unconditionally loved and valued.

Yet, onward I press.

Despite my inward fear and trembling…I press onward.

If I thought my situation seemed to have no hope and no end around 2003…how much more…nearly twenty years later…does my situation appear to have no real hope and no end to the exhausting difficulties?

I’m not sure the best word for it all…daunting, fear-inducing, losses, griefs, complicated, joyful, creative, peaceful, spiritual…there is solitude and there is Presence…it’s just a confluence of everything…all mixed together and daily, I am seemingly engulfed in one or more of those aspects…

Yet I seem to be thinking I can still recover my life.…

My home.

My business.

My household, my family…

Yet so much has changed.

Writing is valuable to me right now, so I make time for it even when things press me and I wonder why…why write…why express…

There is much before me today…practical things calling to me, unfinished business calling to me…and unfinished personal things calling to me…

Prior to Christmas I imagined taking this whole week for just me…for just finishing up a variety of things that mean something to me.

It is almost noon on this Monday…and I feel “the scatter…”

But technically…I should still be “on holiday” as the Brits might say…I shouldn’t answer business emails….update my website….clerical work…and an unending plethora of things that at some points feel futile…like…I’m just not so sure I’m going to make it.

I’m just not so sure I will survive this round, this time, in this terrible metaphorical poker game of sorts.

So I ask myself…what would happen if…if…if I pretended I had vacation time like most non-self-employed people do whose work doesn’t reside in their home (not complaining, I love this…but…it has a flipside…)?

What would happen if this week was for me?

I don’t know. I doubt I can fully accomplish that….but maybe…I should make some soup…keep doing my Christmas dishes…piddle around with the things that are calling to my heart…

I suppose the title of this piece is unclear in connection…I always like to spice things with some oddball humor!

My household now is me and four cats!

In Proverbs 31, those in her household have no fear!…they are somehow covered, protected not only by the woman but by God I suppose (covered in scarlet? what does this mean?) …so much that when snow comes, they have no fear!

“So…little Marley, stand back! No worries for all that snow you see! I got this!”

Ha.

Actually truth be told (Marley!)…I’m not so sure “I got this!” There are times I think I do, and times I am not so sure! But stand back little Marley, today…you are warm inside our home.

Here is a video of the most sacred place on my property here…I consider this beautiful pine arch a place where I might randomly go – day or night – and take a short or a longer personal prayer walk.